No shame in swapping roles with husband

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This article was published 19/12/2024 (618 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just found out my husband lost his job a month ago! He didn’t inform me when it happened. He went to “work” every day, sitting at different restaurants and cafés, and would come home at 5 p.m., like everything was OK.

I had no idea he’d been let go. He’d always looked after all our expenses, including the house mortgage payment. He had all our money info on his computer, password protected. I never saw anything he did, but I totally trusted him.

Well, the bank called yesterday, to speak with my husband (he’d been ignoring their calls) and it sounded serious. I immediately called his office, and was told by a secretary he was “no longer with them.” I couldn’t breathe!

He wouldn’t answer my repeated messages or phone calls. When he finally came through the door, I lost it on him. Then he looked at me with tears in his eyes. He said he didn’t know how to tell me he’d been laid off and said he was out looking for a new job every day, with no luck. Now, our savings are almost nil, and the credit cards are almost maxed out. This didn’t need to happen, if he’d been honest with me.

I’m a woman of action and I already know I could get my teaching career back — and my husband is aware of that, too. My former principal actually called a couple weeks ago to say one of his teachers was pregnant, had gotten quite sick with it and wanted to stay home. He asked if I’d consider returning. I told my husband at dinner that night, and he said nothing, so I turned down the offer.

This morning I phoned my old principal, and asked if the job was still open. He said yes, and was so pleased I was interested. I told my husband, and he went deep red. He later cooled off and said he’d stay home with the kids if he had to, but he’s “not that kind of man” and will still be looking for his own job.

I thought he’d be relieved, but he’s sulking. What can I do to make peace in this upset household? Everybody’s feeling the stress, the kids have overheard the fighting, and they have been quarrelling and crying a lot.

My parents live near us, and know what’s going on, so I called, and my retired mother has offered me babysitting. The kids love her. My father even offered us a loan. My husband has gone very silent, really just speaking a few words here and there. Help!

— Deeply Upset, Winnipeg

Dear Mom: Here’s a deal that could work: You start teaching in January and your husband takes over your job at home for a time — only until he finds a job.

If you are desperate for money for Christmas and the first month or two of teaching, talk to your parents now about their loan offer. Don’t make the mistake of being too proud to accept what your folks are very willing to give. They want you and the family to be happy again, and for the grandchildren have a secure and loving home.

Also, make arrangements for childcare with your mom — that can be called upon quickly when your husband has job interviews.

As for your hurting marriage, invite your husband to join you for counselling, when he’s ready. You can’t drag him — so don’t even try. Hopefully, he’ll be inspired by the hope and increased cheerfulness in you after your visits there by yourself, and that will hopefully help.

Frame this situation as “just a bump in the road,” and assure him you will help each other get over it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband has decided to go overseas this Christmas to see his sister one more time before she dies. Sadly, she has cancer. He will not be here with our family for Christmas, because it’s that pressing for him to get there in time.

His sister might not even recognize him, but he’s told me adamantly he’s going anyway. He and his sister were very close, growing up. I’m staying home with our four grown children, and our grandchildren.

How can we rescue Christmas with Dad/Grandpa, an ocean away?

— Sad Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Sad: You can start by not making your husband feel guilty for going “home” for a last visit, and a real face-to-face goodbye with his dying sister. Let him know you’ll miss him, but that you recognize what an important and beautiful thing it is that he’s doing.

Make arrangements in advance to have several phone or FaceTime visits with him when he’s away. Also, plan a family dinner for early in the new year, back here in Canada, but make that happen once he’s rested up. His trip will be emotionally draining for him and he may be exhausted for a week or more.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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