DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I received an angry, old-fashioned breakup letter from my boyfriend today with “What I should have sent you” printed on the envelope. It was a nasty followup to a kinder text message he sent me the day before with some of his regrets about the two of us and about himself.

This one listed all my faults — social, political, personal and sexual. I guess he had taken time to really dig around in his strange little mind. He’s definitely not short on cutting remarks.

I don’t know which of the two makes me madder. Should I respond to either?

— Shaking My Head, downtown Winnipeg

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: After an amazing weekend of movie watching, massages and mind-bending sex, I foolishly gave my new girlfriend a key to my apartment — never thinking for one minute she would do what she did.

Two days later, I came home from work and someone was already inside my place, but lying out of sight on my couch, watching my TV. I thought it must be my younger brother, as he has a key. But no, it was my new girlfriend — and she was naked on my couch wearing nothing but a pillow.

I yelled rudely, “What are you doing here?” She said, “Don’t shout at me. You gave me your key!”

I quietly hit the roof. I went into the bathroom to regain my cool and I noticed the medicine cabinet door ajar. She was obviously snooping in there. Then I told her off and demanded my key back. She threw it in my face and left.

Imagine if the United States had the power to determine Canadian citizenship.

It would mean American lawmakers, American judges and American voters would be able to dictate who is and who is not a Canadian.

If Americans didn’t like a decision made by Canadians, for example, they could just simply announce whose opinions, perspectives and votes matter and whose don’t.

Sounds absurd, really.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was at the bar recently and caught the eye of the gorgeous guitar player I’ve idolized since I was in Grade 9. He used to come home with my older sister and they’d disappear into the basement guest bedroom and lock the door while Mom was still at work. My sister and I shared a bedroom upstairs.

I never said a word about it to our mother, although I overheard a lot through the heat register connected with the basement bedroom. I used to lie in the room above and imagine it was me down there with him, with the romantic music playing and the weird noises. I guessed they were not playing board games.

She finally dumped him for a cooler guy two years older. I rarely saw the guitar guy again until lately, when his band played at a school dance in June. His black hair is long and sexy now and he plays fantastic guitar and sings great.

But here’s the problem. I caught his attention and gave him my number, and he’s been phoning me. I really want to go out with him, but my sister once told me if I ever went after one of her boyfriends, past or present, she would get me when I was sleeping by cutting my hair off. That scared me.

You know what I miss? Faces.

You know, regular faces. Different faces. Faces that can emote. Faces that look like they’ve laughed before. Imperfect faces. Visibly old faces. Asymmetrical faces.

Now, especially online, everyone has the same face. Every day, I’m bombarded by images of influencers and Hollywood actors with immobilized foreheads and improbable cheeks. Taut, catlike faces with pillowy lips that don’t look young, exactly, but a different esthetic all together. Like uncanny-valley versions of themselves.

This bombardment is happening because I am a 40-year-old woman on the internet. I’m not kidding: the moment my odometer turned over and my age began with a four, I started getting targeted advertising and Instagram Reels about not just anti-aging products, but full-on plastic surgery.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m about 90 per cent lesbian in sexual preference — I’ve only had two serious men in my many years of dating and falling in like or in love. Both of those men wanted me to drop my “weird thing“ for women and be 100 per cent theirs, and try to live as a heterosexual with them as partners. But I loved who I loved, and it just came from within.

Now I have a new and very painful problem. I’m in love with two very different people — a man and a woman — and I don’t use the word love lightly for either of them. They don’t want to share me and it looks like I will lose them both soon. I’m doubly heartbroken, but I don’t see any way to win.

I know it’s odd, and I personally don’t know anyone else who has been in this position.

My honesty is what got me into this mess. I should have kept my mouth shut and at least tried to keep them both for a longer time. What should I do?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I know my mother has a boyfriend. I’m scared to tell my dad who thinks she’s an angel. Dad works out of town five days a week and flies back home to Winnipeg on the weekends. He makes a lot of money and says it’s worth it, but he doesn’t know what he’s lost already — his wife, for sure. And he hardly knows me anymore.

Mom’s away with “a friend” most weeknights until late, so I don’t see her much. Dad comes home on Fridays for the weekends, and mom fakes being the good wife when he’s at home.

But it’s too late for my mom and me to be close when we’re alone at home. I know she’s cheating on my dad. Is my role in this just to shut up? I feel so alone it scares me.

I’m 17, with plans to go to university for a medical career. There’s lots of money from my dad for that and I will live in residence with other students then.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: The wife I separated from — the lifelong actor — came back to me recently, saying she was a changed woman. She was looking for a reconciliation. She said she had changed for me. I was lonely and sex-starved, and I bit.

This woman is good onstage in theatre productions, but the character she’s played in our marriage is non-stop manipulator. But I was lonely, and God knows she provides sexual entertainment.

However, in just a few months, this so-called changed woman was just another role she was playing. I finally told her I wanted to get a divorce for real and look for a genuine person next time around. She laughed and said, “After me, you’ll be bored stiff.” To which I said, “Nope, I’ll finally be relieved.”

In university we were both involved in theatre, and going to bed with her was like having a series of different women in my life. But who did I really have in my arms when the lights went out? Who knows who she really was. I can promise you this — only her therapist knows for sure.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have the most wonderful thoughts as I’m going to sleep (lying next to my useless mate) and then I can’t get them out of my head, even the next day. Let’s just say my dreams are pretty adult and they don’t feature my husband.

I can’t begin to describe how hard it is for me to think about these sexual things while being married to a guy who doesn’t take care of himself personally, not to mention the house or even his car (and I thought men cared about their cars).

I long for the physical touch of someone else — anyone. I hate how much it fills my mind, and I get ashamed of my feelings sometimes. We have three teenage boys and the thought of breaking up the family and destroying their world almost gives me a panic attack.

We live in a house in a very nice area, and if I left their father just over sex I would never forgive myself. I just can’t stop the thoughts from creeping into my mind all day, every day, and then at night when my eyes are shut, I can see them in Technicolor.