DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I didn’t know my wife was in the house when I was talking to my brother on the phone about her new bathing suit “which makes her look like a tank.”

She walked up behind me while I was on the phone and said loudly, “I guess you won’t want to be having sex with a tank at the lake then!” No amount of apologizing is getting me past this one, it seems.

The temperature is rather frosty in our bedroom, and we leave for the lake in two weeks. Should I invite her to criticize my imperfect body? I don’t want to do that, or I’ll never be able to sleep with her again. Please help!

— Big Mouth, East Kildonan

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife’s Vancouver relatives just left, heading off for a holiday on the East Coast.

We hosted a party before they departed and I must say grandma — who now lives with my wife’s parents — was the most fun. And she’s a piano-playing musician to boot.

I also noticed she smelled like she had been hitting the bottle. As the party bartender, I had been instructed before everybody arrived not to serve grandma any alcoholic beverages, but other people were having lots of drinks out by the pool. It didn’t seem fair.

So why not just include her?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is a born comic. The thing is, his sense of humour comes alive when it’s not supposed to. He gets me laughing with him in bed and them I don’t feel the least bit sexy anymore.

Then he says that we’ll try again later, but “later” never seems to come. I feel disappointed with myself for spoiling things. He just nods off, and he’s a deep sleeper, so that’s it for yet another night. Please help us.

— Laughing Losers, Downtown

Dear Laughing Losers: At supper time, trade stories about the day and be the silliest, most relaxed versions of yourselves. You’ll get out the frustrations of the workday and be in a happy mood together.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband has always said “marriage becomes a business deal” after the romance wears off and the children demand their mother’s full attention.

He was only justifying his own behaviour. He always had women on the side and didn’t try hard to hide it. He’s been punishing me for no longer being hot for him after the first time I caught him. I didn’t want to tear apart our young family, so I responded to my husband with nothing but maintenance sex after that.

My husband has only recently found out I had my own boyfriend. Now he’s furious and he wants to pull the plug on the family.

Our children overheard the latest fights because he’s lost control and has become a yeller. The kids have begged us not to break up our family. It’s heartbreaking.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My former love — a woman like me — has come back to Winnipeg from British Columbia with her new partner. This relationship looks like a real problem just waiting to happen.

I ran into this ex and her girlfriend yesterday. I have lost a lot of weight and I’m looking pretty good these days. Straight away, my ex was flirting with me right in front of her new woman. Now she’s been phoning me to get caught up (so she says).

What does she really want with me? She already has someone in her life and bed. It’s making me mad, but I can’t resist her calls.

The trouble is she broke my heart two years ago when she took off with a woman she met online. It took me too long to get over her. Now she’s back and I feel those stupid fluttery feelings in my stomach. Help.

MOON ALERT: Avoid shopping (except food and gas) or important decisions until 10:30 a.m. After that, the moon moves from Pisces into Aries.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Don’t let an element of dreamy confusion get you sidetracked because this is possible. Instead, work with the energy of the moon in your own sign dancing with Mars and Uranus, which makes you focused, ready for action and spontaneous.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

MOON ALERT: There are no restrictions to shopping or important decisions. The moon is in Pisces.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You won’t hesitate to speak up when talking to others because you feel motivated and eager to go after what you want. Furthermore, whatever you do, you will be able to keep up the pace and persevere for a long time. You’ll be convincing.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife just loves sex at the moment. I’m not quite as interested right now because I’m so tired from work, and sex feels like more physical labour.

I have told her lately I’m up for some fun, as long as she does the work. She already knows she can have me any way she pleases. I’m easy.

But I haven’t felt as willing lately. Recently she’s muttered something about marrying an old man. I’m not old — just overworked and tired. The difference between our ages is only 11 years, but it seems a lot more at times.

Last night, to try to make up with my poor wife, I brought her home what’s supposed to be one of the hottest sex toys on the market. She looked at it, and said, “So, this is your stand-in now? Can I be expecting anything from you personally?”

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new boyfriend gave me a glittery peacock scarf I just love. But when I wore it out, it was recognized by a friend of mine who has known my guy for a long time. She said his former girlfriend used to wear the same scarf, and everybody noticed it.

His ex obviously gave it back to him. I really don’t want this scarf now. What does it say about my new boyfriend that he would give me a gift that his ex had returned to him and not even tell me where it came from?

— Don’t Want Old Scarf, East Kildonan

Dear Don’t Want: Your new guy is no good at romantic politics. He should have retired that showy scarf gift when it was thrown back at him. So, give it back to him, and suggest what he should do with it — politely.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is a big talker when it comes to sex, but he only wants it once a week and then he’s so ready to perform you would think he invented it.

Then it’s no action until the next Saturday night, which is the only night he feels rested enough to make love, or even let me be the one to “perform.”

We do it on Saturday because our teenagers go out and we have the house to ourselves most of the time. But everything is just so calculated. He brings home snacks and fancy beers — and the party’s on, in his mind.

I don’t want to leave him. I just want him to do something different sometimes.