DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend had too much to drink on the weekend and he told me he wants us to experiment with different sex partners together soon. I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

He already has a couple in mind and whipped out a photo of them. They were barely dressed. Yikes!

Then I thought, maybe this is God’s way of warning me away from this man.

Now that I’m clearly backing off, my boyfriend is calling and saying he was just kidding when he mentioned experimenting with another couple.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I ran into my ex-wife this week and almost fell over. She looked like she did when she was in her 20s — in shape and thin, shiny black hair in a sexy cut and wearing tight black pants.

But the sight of her was spoiled by a pumped-up muscleman carrying some new lawn furniture to her truck. She just nodded at me, and faintly smiled. They kept right on going, but the guy didn’t go back into the store. He got into her truck and they took off together. He wasn’t store staff after all, and I felt jealous.

The next day I phoned an old friend of hers, knowing she would have my ex’s contact info. The friend warned me she was dating someone new. I said I knew that because I had run into them together the day before.

Big silence. Then the friend said, “Well, you’re braver than I would be, phoning her up right now. Good luck.”

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I really miss the first version of my husband. We were so in love and he was perfect, but I missed him so badly when he went on his sales trips. He was also lonely thinking about me, and we talked on the phone for hours at night. He would bring home jewelry for me with real stones, and say, “See? I was loving you every minute I was away.”

Then the nightly calls and closeness between us just seemed to peter out. Oddly, he was generally happy, and I was glad for that, but he seemed different — and actually smelled different. He also bought new clothes and started watching different TV shows.

A female friend of mine ran into him in another city where he was doing business, and said my guy seemed very different than the person she knew here at home. He introduced a female “cousin” walking with him, and then they took off quickly. My husband doesn’t have any female cousins. He was clearly cheating.

I decided to search his clothes in the closet. I smelled perfume evidence of another woman and found an earring I didn’t recognize. When he came home, I showed him my finds and his face got red. Then he said that it was my fault because I didn’t want to go on sales trips with him. He said he missed me so badly that he got depressed and needed a “friend.”

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a gay man and I’ve made it through the university year doing my best to get over a painful break-up. After Christmas, I was finally starting to heal — but I still needed my ex to stay the heck away.

I thought he was respecting that, but I heard this weekend he’s “tired of protecting me” and is going to live his life freely. The worst part is he’s got a new guy and they have rented a cottage at what we used to refer to as “our beach,” for the best months of the summer.

That was too much! I phoned him up and let loose. He said nothing. Finally, he said calmly he’s OK being “just friends” with me, and he suggested I could rent another cottage at the same beach, with his blessing.

Who needs his blessing? Why couldn’t he have found a job far away, like in Mexico? He can speak several languages. How am I expected to be pleasant when he’s around anywhere?

MOON ALERT: There are no restrictions to shopping or important decisions today. The moon is in Pisces.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

This is a feel-good day! Behind-the-scenes research might boost your earnings or help with an important purchase. Family relations and issues at home are solid. Something unexpected and unusual might occur. Be open to new ideas!

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My heart is locked in cement after my last breakup and I’m afraid I may never find that one special woman. I seem to attract the same kind of bossy babe over and over.

Ironically, these pushy women tend to be looking for a guy who will tell them what to do. But I’m not a guy who needs to be the boss. I do earn quite good money, but I tend to be a follower, not a leader, socially.

Why do people always think well-to-do guys must be tough bosses? Too many stupid movies and TV shows out there are teaching this crap.

How can I find a woman who is a leader herself and doesn’t need me to be a tough guy?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I used to be passionately in love with my wife. She wasn’t particularly loving or affectionate, but I hadn’t experienced anything better. I just thought that’s what all marriages turned out to be anyway — just warm, not hot.

Recently, this beautiful woman was hired in my department at work. Her desk is close enough I can sometimes overhear her talking to her longtime husband on the phone. Sometimes, they talk about the sex from the night before. She’s saying things like, “How was that position for you?” and “Let’s do that one again,” like they were working through a list.

I started to realize how exciting and fun a long marriage could be. By comparison, I have a lousy sexual relationship with my wife, and it’s a relatively young marriage. So, I tried to put some pressure on my wife, and she told me to get a life.

By that, she must mean to try harder to just enjoy the boring love life I already have with her.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a physical guy and work with a building company. My wife is a schoolteacher and I admire her for that. But now I’m getting worried, as my wife has just found out she’s pregnant and she’s acting weird. She just told me she wants a bunch of kids, and a few of her distant relatives have had multiple births. One child is enough for me.

Now, between sessions of throwing up in the bathroom and acting like a crazy woman, she says she wants to be able to stay home to raise our kids. OK, that’s going too far. I’m totally weirded out. I never thought she would give up her beloved teaching profession so early in her career.

Is she losing it? We can’t afford for her to stay home for long.

— Freaking Out, Westwood