Funny times first, then on to frisky business

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is a born comic. The thing is, his sense of humour comes alive when it’s not supposed to. He gets me laughing with him in bed and them I don’t feel the least bit sexy anymore.

Then he says that we’ll try again later, but “later” never seems to come. I feel disappointed with myself for spoiling things. He just nods off, and he’s a deep sleeper, so that’s it for yet another night. Please help us.

— Laughing Losers, Downtown

Dear Laughing Losers: At supper time, trade stories about the day and be the silliest, most relaxed versions of yourselves. You’ll get out the frustrations of the workday and be in a happy mood together.

Then, after streaming some TV or a movie together to indulge your senses of humour a bit more, it’s time to change channels.

Everybody feels sexier when the talk goes from light banter into expressions of admiration. You might say, “OK, let’s talk about how handsome/beautiful you are to me.”

This should get you out of funny mode and serve as a natural entry point into making love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently found out my husband’s former affair partner is staying at a rental cabin this summer not far from our own.

That’s it. I’m seriously going to get a divorce this time. I have my own business, so I usually work summer mornings at our cabin and then I take the children down to the beach. It allows the kids to have long, wonderful summers at the lake.

I know my husband well — he’s charming but sneaky, yet he has always been a devoted father to the kids. He certainly respects their feelings more than mine. But this time daddy will be moving out of our house for good.

I am feeling so messed up inside. How do I get through summer and still give the kids the happy time they deserve, considering my own painful feelings?

— Determined Wife and Mom, southeastern Manitoba

Dear Determined: See a divorce lawyer now and explore at your options for separating this summer.

Then, if possible, take your kids to your mom and dad’s place for a night or two with the grandparents, and talk with your husband about the upcoming separation and how you two will manage it.

Consider inviting friends and relatives up to the lake for company regularly, so you don’t have too much time to be upset.

As for the woman your husband had been having an affair with, let her take on this unfaithful man and all the problems he brings.

You can seek professional help for your messed-up feelings when you come back from the lake, or arrange phone sessions for help sooner if needed.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts. This is so awkward. I think I may be in love for the first time.

I’ve been a happy bachelor (I’m now in my late 30s) and never wanted a woman clinging onto me.

I have a job I enjoy and I often travel for my work. Outside of that, I have a passion for sports.

I was blessed with decent looks and come from a family with money. My grandfather died at a young age and left us grandsons money, so I have never really had to work hard and was always able to hire lots of hired help.

My exciting new woman has a professional career, and also comes from a family with their own money, so she’s not out to use me for anything. With this mutual freedom, we have fallen deeply in love.

Now here’s the problem. I want to start a family before it’s too late for us. My mate also wants kids, but refuses to stop working, even though we would have enough money and help. She wouldn’t have to lift a finger. We’re at something of an impasse, as I would really like her not to worry about work and, together with me, fully focus on raising kids. Help us, please.

— Love Her Deeply, Winnipeg

Dear Love Her Deeply: If you’re happy together and well-suited, why quibble over something your wife clearly enjoys? Solid relationships ride on accommodating each other’s important needs.

With your enviable financial situation, you won’t have to stress over household costs, even with a child or two added to the equation. So why possibly create tension by keeping the woman you love away from a career that makes her happy?

Lots of women keep their jobs after kids start arriving, working at least part time, especially when getting domestic help is an option, financially.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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