Broken ‘business’ needs expert consultation

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband has always said “marriage becomes a business deal” after the romance wears off and the children demand their mother’s full attention.

He was only justifying his own behaviour. He always had women on the side and didn’t try hard to hide it. He’s been punishing me for no longer being hot for him after the first time I caught him. I didn’t want to tear apart our young family, so I responded to my husband with nothing but maintenance sex after that.

My husband has only recently found out I had my own boyfriend. Now he’s furious and he wants to pull the plug on the family.

Our children overheard the latest fights because he’s lost control and has become a yeller. The kids have begged us not to break up our family. It’s heartbreaking.

For the kids’ sake, my husband has promised to stay until they’re out of high school. So we still have a long, cold marriage spell ahead of us, but the kids will have two parents under the same roof and a family, kind of. How can we handle this?

— Something Better? Winnipeg

Dear Something Better: You and your husband may not be actively at war anymore, but your marriage is barely tolerable for either of you. The kids are aware of what’s going on and have no doubt overheard way more than you think or they have told you.

For everybody’s sake, it’s time to get couples’ counselling. If that helps, proceed to full family counselling with the children, so they understand the new situation.

When things get better, the kids can stop wondering when they’re going to come home and find their parents are splitting up. This way, they will be able to function better.

Your physician will have names of marriage counsellors and psychologists to recommend. Places of worship will have others. The many counselling groups in the city offer differing styles, so you can find something that suits you.

Don’t wait for September to get help at school for the kids who are shaky because their parents are not happy. If possible, they need to be settled before classes start in the fall.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I could already have a lake girlfriend where I work all summer, but already have another half girlfriend in Winnipeg.

“Half” is her idea because she says she doesn’t want to waste a summer alone and says we should both be free to see who we wish during our time away from each other, except for our few weekends together. What crap.

I don’t need to see another girl at the lake. I love her. But there will be lots of women up here to see if she continues to push me. In fact, my new workmate this season is already throwing hints that’s she’s lonely at night when work is over.

Do you think it’s possible my girlfriend back home is seeing somebody else already? Am I a fool to be true this summer when she says we just need to be half-hitched? I don’t need to be. It’s the way I am — I just want one true love at a time.

— Doubts About Her, Whiteshell

Dear Doubts: True-blue guys like you are priceless, and this young woman doesn’t deserve your love. She wouldn’t be throwing you out to the girls at the beach if she were a quality mate in love with you.

She’s just trying to keep you on the line in case she needs somebody to keep her warm in the fall. Dump her now and get on with your life. There’s nothing wrong with the way you think and feel. You just need a new relationship with someone more like you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I want to quit my job. We have a cabin and I spend all my time on weekends thinking about it while at the lake with my wife and kids. Ditto for the city. I’ve even secretly sent out a few resumés — very few, as I don’t want word to get out.

On weekends, I’m wishing and hoping somebody else will offer me a job when I get back. I’m scared to get out there in the job market and actively look because my field is small and word might get back to my boss, who thinks I really like my job. I don’t like the work I chose after my degree — my fault entirely. I need to correct that. Help me, please.

— Sweating It Out, Interlake

Dear Sweating It Out: Sometimes the best thing about a vacation is getting a clearer head about what you want — and what you don’t want. It’s uncomfortable, but you have so little to do you can’t stop thinking about everything bothering you.

So give in. Take some paper down to a quiet spot on the beach early in the morning and scribble notes as they come to you — careers or fields that interest you and names of people who could help you find jobs you might really enjoy.

Don’t continue all day when your partner and kids want to play — it’s their holiday time too. But make sure to quickly jot down interesting ideas popping into your head so you don’t forget them — but then stow your notebook for the day.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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