Tacit tactics help keep granny somewhat sober

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife’s Vancouver relatives just left, heading off for a holiday on the East Coast.

We hosted a party before they departed and I must say grandma — who now lives with my wife’s parents — was the most fun. And she’s a piano-playing musician to boot.

I also noticed she smelled like she had been hitting the bottle. As the party bartender, I had been instructed before everybody arrived not to serve grandma any alcoholic beverages, but other people were having lots of drinks out by the pool. It didn’t seem fair.

So why not just include her?

— Sympathetic Son-In-Law, West Kildonan

Dear Sympathetic: If grandma smelled like liquor, there’s a good chance she wasn’t suffering too much at the party.

It’s probably a good thing you didn’t dig any deeper. This sounds like a deal grandma may be honouring — not drinking in front of the family — because she’s had a tendency to go too far in the past.

So it’s likely she has a private tipple in her bedroom and nobody mentions it, as long as she limits it to that at these family get-togethers.

Maybe your wife can fill you in more on what may be the family’s agreed, low-key strategy to prevent her from drinking too much.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My divorced father has a new girlfriend who immigrated to Canada from another country. My brother and I really like her.

The problem is our mother — who’s never met the new woman — acts like she hates her.

Mom continually puts her down and disparages her ethnic heritage. Dad’s girlfriend is a lovely person and beautiful.

Now this nastiness is causing big problems between us kids and our mom.

Dad’s new mate is very good to him — much nicer than our mom ever was.

My brother and I are very disappointed in our mom’s racist behaviour and don’t know what to say. Please advise.

— Let Down By Mom, West End

Dear Let Down: It’s often the young people in families who lead the way in confronting racism or other forms of discrimination spouted by relatives.

It’s likely best not to overly harshly confrontational with your mom.

The extreme nature of your mother’s comments may be partly down to the hurt she’s feeling because your dad is with another woman who loves him better — no matter what her heritage. And clearly, your dad really loves her back.

Your mom may still have fond memories of your father from when things were good between them, and that may also feeds the jealous remarks about the new woman.

Regardless, you need to make clear to your mom that the sentiments she expressed are abhorrent and unacceptable, in any context.

As far as your mom’s general mood, if and when she finds someone new to love, a lot of this could disappear. So think about trying to get her moving in a more positive direction — for the good of everyone.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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