DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is a big talker when it comes to sex, but he only wants it once a week and then he’s so ready to perform you would think he invented it.

Then it’s no action until the next Saturday night, which is the only night he feels rested enough to make love, or even let me be the one to “perform.”

We do it on Saturday because our teenagers go out and we have the house to ourselves most of the time. But everything is just so calculated. He brings home snacks and fancy beers — and the party’s on, in his mind.

I don’t want to leave him. I just want him to do something different sometimes.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I are in our early 30s and have been married for eight years. I’m getting tired of her antics and I’m thinking about calling it off now.

She isn’t a bad person, but she’s a mooch. She makes a good salary, but always wants to borrow money from me and gets angry if I grumble.

She also drives me crazy when she talks in a baby voice. When we’re out with friends, she likes to do anime poses and voices. At first, I thought it was cute, but no longer. She’s doing it way too much.

She used to be involved in theatre, but didn’t make it anywhere past high school productions, and it’s obvious why.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just spent a weekend at a lake with some of my wild and crazy girlfriends, and we fell in love with it. At the end, the owner said somebody had backed out of their July reservation and he offered me — the obvious leader of the pack — the opportunity to rent it again for two weeks.

I put full money down as soon as I got back home. Then I invited my boyfriend to spend a one-week romantic holiday with me as my first guest. I told him it was a gorgeous little lake unspoiled by a lot of campers. He said, “Yeah, but there’d be no casino at that outpost. I’d be bored to tears.”

And that was that.

I’m keeping it anyway for the two weeks, and planning for a roster of friends to visit. And now, my boyfriend’s shirt is in a knot. “What am I supposed to do with myself for your two-week holiday?” he asked me, referring to sex, his only activity besides eating and gambling.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We finally installed a backyard pool, and it’s now up and running this year and it is such bliss. Unfortunately, it has also given rise to serious spying problems.

We already have a high fence, but we’ve discovered there are busybody voyeurs still getting a view of our pool activity. Constantly feeling like you’re being gawked at has severely impeded enjoying our new pool to the max.

This morning in our mailbox, we received an anonymous note from some idiot who informed us that we need to wear bathing suits when using our own pool and to keep our “romantic actions appropriate.”

Our fence is plenty high, so what is she talking about? Is she up in a high-rise watching us with binoculars? And yes, we do have sex in the pool — but it’s our pool.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just saw my ex-wife at a political get-together recently. It was a bit shocking — she was hanging on the arm of a guy she used to say she couldn’t stand. What is this called? A love-hate relationship?

He used to annoy her to no end. How did they end up getting together?

— Making My Head Spin, North Kildonan

Dear Making Head Spin: For some people who like a lively debate, a heated discussion is sometimes a great way to get mutually turned on. This may have been what happened with your ex-wife and her nemesis.

DEAR. MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was sitting in a restaurant with the guy I’ve just started dating, when he pointed out there was another guy watching us. I looked over and saw a man who also had longer dark hair, olive complexion and a big nose. He turned out to be a guy I dated recently — like two months ago.

The guy nodded at me, and then kind of smirked. Later that night, he called me and said, “I see you’re dating a guy who looks a lot like me. Do you miss me that much?”

I hit back with, “No, he’s actually a nice guy — unlike some rude people I know.”

I’m only writing because I’m secretly troubled by the fact I’m clearly picking men for their similar looks. My ex-husband also had dark hair and a big nose. I don’t want a repeat of him, but that’s the kind of man I’m still physically attracted to. I need help.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I have been married for a couple of years. He’s a widower and has a cabin next door to his former in-laws. For many years, he and his then-wife spent their weekends sharing meals and socializing all day (usually at my husband’s cabin) with his in-laws.

Now that I’m in the picture, I find the constant dining together and hanging out at our cabin is way too much.

I don’t mind getting together for a dinner, but I yearn for some alone time with my spouse without having to worry about constant meal-prep, snacks and so on, to feed my in-laws. My husband says it’s been this way for 20 years and I’m not going to change it now.

I hate missing out on weekends with my husband at the cottage, but I feel it’s the only way to keep my sanity. Please help.