DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Well, it finally happened. After a divorce and two years of relative freedom, another compelling man has found me and is chasing me. He phones me and we sometimes talk for two hours, which is great because I’m a brainiac and I’m always thinking about things.

And yes, we do have phone sex. He’s really imaginative. I refuse to see him in person because he’s still married and often calls me from his car. He’s so sweet and funny and I think I’m falling in love with him, but he’s told me laughingly he’s just a phone cheater.

I have no one but him. What can I do?

— Spinning My Wheels, River Heights

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a guy who’s always had one eye on the female sex — but a secret eye on guys, too. I am not turned on by my group of regular sports buddies — a great team of “players” in every sense of the word, but I do feel somewhat attracted to classical musicians who play music for the love of it, like I do.

I still have my girlfriend, but suddenly I have another interest — a brand-new guy I’ve started to see a little.

I don’t enjoy juggling the two relationships. It’s not a powerful feeling. I do feel guilty, and that I may hurt somebody badly, but I don’t want to lose either one of them. I actually care for both people. Maybe I’m just oversexed.

My best friend (also secretly bisexual) suggests I should, “Run them both ragged, and find out who can keep up.” Stupid joke, or not bad advice?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was at a party with my younger boyfriend, and I overheard him in another room talking loudly with his friends.

They were all bombed, guzzling beer and rating their girlfriends’ looks. I was listening for my guy to chime in. He finally said I was “a five without makeup, a 6 1/2 with it, but her great personality makes up for the rest.”

I can’t believe he would say that to other people, but he was drinking a lot — disgusting. I’m thinking of leaving him. What do you think?

— ‘Five Without Makeup,’ Osborne Village

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mom and dad met each other at a Halloween party. He was “instantly smitten” with my mother, he said. She was in a princess costume, and he was a lumberjack carrying a big axe. The weapon wasn’t very scary for her, because he’s a short guy. Small but determined — and smart!

His next move? He announced he had good tickets to a concert she’d mentioned she wanted to attend, and they went. He decided good tickets were the winning move, and took to buying tickets for anything entertaining for the two of them.

In the end, they got married and they are really happy together, and still go out to events a lot. Why don’t more people forget the usual dating nonsense and just make a sensible “plan of action” to win, like my dad did? I also think just hoping to “fall” in love doesn’t make sense. What do you think?

— Proud Daughter, West End

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife believes in magic potions, which used to make me laugh. But since Halloween season started this year, she’s been acting in a way that frightens me. She seems to think she’s a modern-day “witch.” Give me a break!

Now she has three friends who think they are really casting spells when they get together! And this year on Halloween night she’s being formally accepted into their little witchy group meeting at one of their homes, and is getting a new sorceress name. It’s creepy! How do I cope? I’ve had enough of this.

— Seriously Upset, South St. Vital

Dear Upset: Don’t buy into the hocus pocus by being afraid of it and expressing any trepidation to your wife. She needs you to be strong, so she knows she has a solid anchor and can drop out of this witchy group if it becomes too scary or silly for her.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My beautiful ex-wife used to travel with her girlfriends, and they were a wild and free group! I counted myself lucky to have tamed and married her. I should have woken up shortly after our wedding when she got restless, and then announced she did not want to have children!

It was a half-lie. She always wanted children. I know now she meant she didn’t want children with me. I was just a guy to mess around with.

So, she finally divorced me and married a new guy, and already has two kids. That hurts me so much! I loved her deeply and had always wanted kids with her, but I guess she didn’t have the same dream.

I ran into her recently at her best friend’s September wedding. She was looking sideways at me as I had a new younger girlfriend on my arm. I swear my ex was jealous! How could she be jealous when she could have had me for life, but dumped me?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was secretly looking forward to being Boss Witch this Halloween. I’m a good-looking woman, and my new love thinks I’m quite sexy. But he just requested I fulfil a Halloween sex fantasy of his — including costume and masks — where he directs the whole show. Now the pressure is on, and I am turning off.

We’re just too much alike! In the past, I’ve come up with great fantasy nights for Halloween, and my men in those times were willing to play a subordinate role if that’s what I asked. But this new man wants a turn “directing” the show! I do not feel excited thinking about that. What should I do?

— Always Been In Charge, Elmwood

Dear Always Been In Charge: It’s not too late to make a deal where you both introduce a short fantasy to play out on Halloween night. And make it well clear that you each will have an opt-out safe-word that must be respected by the one of you “in charge” at the time. This way you can accommodate your new love’s fantasy without locking yourself into something you’re unsure about.