Don’t let your dreams for future be undermined

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This article was published 23/12/2024 (676 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend tried to give me an engagement ring two weeks ago so “we” could show it off to all the relatives on Christmas Day. He was so excited, presenting me with the big diamond ring.

I was shocked, but I had to refuse and broke his heart. It was a horrible thing to see the tears in his eyes.

But how could I say yes? I’m only 20 and have big plans for my life. I’m finishing my degree in Manitoba, then I want to move to another province and get my masters, which should, hopefully, get me a great job. I want to make good money so I can travel the world, which is my biggest dream.

My boyfriend can’t pretend he didn’t know of my plans. His proposal was a calculated move to stop me in my tracks, but I won’t change my plans for him, even though he’s a great guy.

When he finally got off his knees and asked me if I would one day consider getting engaged in the future, the answer just flew out of my mouth — “No.”

In a letter he put in my parents’ mailbox last night (I live at home), he asked me if I ever really loved him or if it was all just faked. The thing is, I did love him as my closest friend, my first and only lover, and someone I could admire and trust, but I just refuse to be trapped at home and pregnant by the time I’m 21 when I have such big plans.

It’s not like my plans were a secret from anybody — him or my parents. He was trying to replace my trajectory with his life plan, which would mean he would be working alongside his relatives at their business as soon as he finishes his degree — on the fast-track to management and big money.

My dad — who travelled the world — understands me and my needs, but my mother thinks I’m making a big mistake refusing the ring and scolded me for it while we were in the kitchen. Then my dad yelled at her from his living-room chair: “It sounds like you’re the one in love with this guy. Leave your daughter alone. It’s her decision to make and she’s made it.”

This morning I got another note in the mailbox from my ex, saying, among other nasty things that he can’t see me anymore, even as friends.

So, now I’m really crying, because I realize I’ve also lost my best friend. I didn’t think it would come to that. What can I do now?

— Lost and Alone, Silver Heights

Dear Lost: You know you don’t want this boyfriend who would limit you, not out of malice, but because he intends to live his preferred family-business lifestyle. You still have many years of education and world adventure to get to.

One day you’ll no doubt find a more suitable man who becomes your husband, lover and father of your children. So work through the guilt and hurt of your recent breakup and get some professional help if you really want to speed up the process.

As for your mom, who is feeling like she just lost a son and her future grandchildren, you can help. Get back on your feet quickly and move on with confidence. Your mother needs to see your life will thrive on your own path, so she doesn’t have to worry. It may take some time, but you have your dad on your side.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I need to think of some Christmas presents that don’t cost anything. I was out of work and just this week started a new job. My first paycheque won’t be until after Christmas.

What can I give my female roommates for gifts when I don’t have any cash? They’ve let me stay here and I’m not paying rent until my first cheque comes.

All I have to work with is stuff such as my silk scarf collection and old nail polishes and beauty creams that are half-used. How can I give that to anybody? I could promise free housework, but I hinted at that and it didn’t go over very well.

— Wanting to Give, St. Boniface

Dear Wanting to Give: Set up a fun spa in the apartment with gentle upbeat music. Services you might offer as Christmas gifts include a hair-braiding experience; modern-art pedicures, making slashes and dots in different colours with partial-bottles of nail polish; and facial massages using creams and a delicate touch.

With each new beauty salon “customer,” put on relaxing music, wrap a pretty scarf around their hair, and pour out some refreshing beverages. Take lots of photos of everybody that you can share with them later, even getting some printed and put into frames.

Your imaginative and caring style of gifting while broke will be remembered in a fond way by your friends. You’re also giving them an extra gift: a real-life example of calling on one’s own creativity in the face of a challenging situation.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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