Suspend judgment over big bro’s homecoming

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/12/2024 (636 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My brother is an idiot! He quit his job, saying he was afraid they were going to fire him over some mistake. His company’s big boss liked him and phoned to try to get him back. My bro said no, and now he has a job delivering parcels, half-days. Huh? He won’t go back to his old job that pays a half-decent salary! Mom and Dad gave him a place to stay and three meals a day — a free ride. What’s going on? I keep asking, but it’s some kind of secret.

My brother is sharing a room with me again — not even sleeping in the basement bedroom. He’s a “homebody,” my mother says. Right. He never was before! Now, on weekends, he’s building an addition on the back of our house with my dad and uncles and he’s suddenly whistling and happy. I go off to my high school every day, wondering what’s going on.

— What the Heck? North Winnipeg

Dear What the Heck: Some fine day you might understand all the factors that went into your brother needing to leave that job and spend some time back in the safety and warmth of the family. One day Mom or Dad might explain what was happening during that period — or your brother might even tell you.

My guess? Something happened to your brother — a bad experience in his first year in the adult working world. It may have been job-related, bullying, something money-related, an inappropriate love relationship, somebody making sexual passes at him or a fear of something “out there” in the world. Don’t push too hard; you may very likely find out one day.

To put this behind you, consider reading the Mel Robbins paperback The Let Them Theory. It’s about letting other people “do what they have to do” without questioning or belittling them, or getting your own shirt in a knot. You cut the critical thought, and just let them be themselves.

If you say nothing judgmental about this strange time when your big brother came home to live like a younger guy, it teaches him (and also you) that home is a safe place to go back to and work through something. Let your attitude to your returning brother be, “I don’t know why you’re here, but it’s good to have you back for a time. Bonus!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My third wife has been hiding something — an affair. When I came home to our hobby farm from my bimonthly business trip, the kitchen radio was blaring. I turned it right down, but my wife, who took a day off from her office job in town — was making funny noises in our bedroom. Then, I heard a man saying loudly, “Darling, you shock me!” That’s the four-word phrase she uses on me, when I say or do something really sexy, and she wants us to “get busy” immediately and passionately. I felt cut off at the knees, just gutted!

Then I finally recalled she uses FaceTime — the video/audio call service — so I realized she must be on her phone. I still felt gutted!

I have no illusions about my wife now — she doesn’t really love me. Our short marriage is ending — her first and my third. I may be shallow but I’m not a fool. I’m selling my farm, but won’t be letting my wife get much profit.

So, I quickly phoned my lawyer. He groaned and said he’d start drawing up papers to do his best to save my financial butt again. Before hanging up, he said, “This time around, get some help from a shrink. It’s ridiculous to marry every woman you think is beautiful!”

Miss L., Why should I go out and spend money on my brain? I just love to marry beautiful women, but I have bad taste in choosing personalities.

— So Hurt, southern Manitoba

Dear So Hurt: Collecting beautiful woman like butterflies is not a healthy style of human love. And needing a lawyer on speed dial for another divorce is a pretty negative way to go into any marriage.

Now is definitely the time to get the psychological help that will assist you in getting off this crazy merry-go-round. Then, consider going deeper when you have a relationship with a new woman. Take a chance in thinking it could work forever, and that you’ll never again get dumped and devastated, and lose your home.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography