Best move just to fade away from irksome siblings

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This article was published 11/03/2024 (923 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: You would think inheriting property would leave me feeling grateful, but my siblings, who would sell their mother’s teeth for profit, are aggravating me. These people always want to be in control and think someone is trying to pull one over on them because they are also the type who do underhanded things, so they always think the worst.

Now they have ganged up on me again. This happened when our mother died and left me something valuable. Now with our dad’s death and being left his land, the knives are out.

After the sale of the land, my husband does not want me to have anything more to do with my siblings. I’m torn. They are family, but treat me like an enemy. I’m in my 50s and this has been going on my whole life. Why can’t I separate from them and their abusive behaviour?

— Afraid, But Why? eastern Manitoba

Dear Afraid: Winding down a family relationship is much easier to do than totally cutting it off, abruptly. If you do it that way, these “enemies” will suddenly take up bigger space in your brain, so don’t take an obvious stand, just fade yourself out from them.

If you get invitations to a family event, at first tell them you may not be able to make it, and then be polite and let them know later in an email that you can’t. After a while they’ll get the message you’re usually a no-show, so why invite you? But you’re not really an enemy, either — just boring. That’s what you want.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife used to be married to an idiot, but she finally divorced me. That’s an old joke, but it’s true. I’ve sobered up and smartened up since the breakup, but my wife wants nothing to do with me. Or so she says. What I’d really like to know then is why she started dating my look-alike cousin.

He’s a curler and a baseball player like me, and we could almost be twins. We both have a big build, black hair and blue eyes. But the worst part is he’s also a drinker like I used to be. My alcoholism broke my wife and I up. I’m sober now and hoping I can stay that way, but this whole situation is making my head spin.

Last week I saw the two of them together at our family reunion party. She had a lot of nerve showing up with him when she knew I would be there and the whole family would be watching. My cousin was three sheets to the wind and looking so smug holding onto my ex-wife’s arm. I wanted to smash him in the face.

Why is she going out with my double now? Is she doing it on purpose to get at me, or maybe is it to get me back?

— Hurt and Angry Ex, West Kildonan

Dear Hurt and Angry: People are often unconsciously attracted to certain looks before they even start dating. Your genetic build and colouring are a look your wife found attractive, probably before she even met you. When she found herself single again, this attractive cousin with the looks she likes was interested and treated her well, so she started seeing him.

As for her showing up with him at your family reunion, she would know you would likely be there. No doubt she enjoyed appearing with this particular guy, and rubbing it in a little. That doesn’t necessarily mean she wants you back, as you’ve had your run with her and it ended bitterly. She may just enjoy needling you a little.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In my younger years, my husband, friends and I would often go to a club to drink and dance the night away. As we aged, our group got together to go to local legion for fun nights together.

Sadly, my husband passed away, and I feel so lonely. At first I was invited to tag along, but now not so much. I feel my husband was the one they really enjoyed having around. Now I sit at home with life passing me by. Are there any places for active seniors to go and meet new friends?

— Needing New Single Friends, St. James

Dear Needing: At this point you’re not looking for a group to help you through the grieving process, so much as a place to reconnect with singles your age. You need friends who are looking to kickstart an interesting social life.

I would recommend you do some research online into local activities-based groups, maybe starting with Active Aging in Manitoba (activeagingmb.ca). You could also look into joining general groups for social, recreational or creative pursuits that interest you. Another great option is volunteering, especially with an organization you’re passionate about, as you may meet like-minded people to connect with. Visit volunteermanitoba.ca to find out about opportunities.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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