Seek counselling to leave volatility behind

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/03/2024 (899 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got in a fight with my girlfriend at the bar and we ended up getting thrown out by the bouncers. In the parking lot, she cursed me out while kicking me in the shins, leaving me big bruises.

We started fighting after I found out she was cheating on me again. In my books, that makes me the innocent one.

But fighting is not new with her — the women in her family are big on face-slapping. She usually does that with me, but when we got thrown outside, she started kicking me with her boots, which have reinforced toes. My legs hurt so bad, I couldn’t drive. I had to leave my truck and take a cab home.

That night I blocked her from phoning me. Now she has told everyone who wasn’t there that I was the one being violent with her, when it was the other way around. I’m thinking of pressing charges against her for attacking me. But when I asked my uncle yesterday what I should do, he asked me what names I called my girlfriend. I told him and he just shook his head. Then he asked to have a look at my shins and the bruises. They were already fading to yellow.

He told me to call her and apologize to her in order to get her to cool off, then to stay away from her because our relationship is so crazy and if things get heated again I could get arrested.

To hell with that! I want to go to court. My legs still hurt and I want to teach her a lesson! What do you think?

— Angry, West End

Dear Angry: The advice offered to you was to stay far away from this woman, and you should heed it. You two are dangerously reactive to one another. Plus, both of you are short on common sense and if you continue with each other you may both end up in serious trouble with the law for assault — or worse.

You really don’t want a criminal record over this. You called your mate vulgar names with witnesses listening, and she kicked you repeatedly with people watching.

What’s really needed is individual counselling around why you stay with this violent, angry woman who punishes you and why she wants to be with you when you call her horrible names. You need to be able to break up permanently and find a healthier relationship.

A medical doctor can refer you to a psychiatrist covered by provincial health care. A psychologist could be of help, too. If you have a job with an insurance plan, it will likely pay for a portion or all of your sessions.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently moved into an apartment block where a lot of single and divorced women reside. I met an attractive new woman who lives on a lower floor. We are not at all alike, but she keeps dropping by to see me.

I don’t want to be that close, although she’s very sexy and attractive. She admits she can tell if I’m at home by standing outside my door and listening. I find that creepy.

I don’t really want to be alone, but she and I are definitely not a match.

How do you distance yourself from people who live in your building complex? I don’t want to lie to them and say I have a girlfriend in case it gets around the building and women here think I’m taken.

— Need a Distancing Tactic, Westwood

Dear Need a Tactic: “I’m still in love with a woman who isn’t in love with me” is a tactic almost guaranteed to cool down an interested party — and possibly the larger group who hear of it. Of course, that can backfire if you meet somebody in the building you would like to pursue and she gets wind of your “heartbreaking” situation.

Some people want their domicile to be off-limits to romance, but others enjoy the possibilities under their own roof. You seem to want a little of both, so be careful.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography