Could be tricky being upfront with intimate setup

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/12/2023 (975 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: The woman in her mid-50s signed her letter “Feeling Tempted” wants to have sex outside marriage because her older husband no longer was interested. She asked whether it was acceptable to have sex in a set-up apartment with an old friend — one who’s in a similar circumstance. Your reply was that their tryst would leak out, and create havoc in both marriages. That is likely true, but does not provide a solution.

The current state of affairs is unfair and unhealthy for the still sexually-interested people. They should approach their respective spouses (perhaps with a sex-positive counsellor) and talk about an open marriage. Non-monogamy with consent may be better than the unhappy status quo. Otherwise “cheating” is likely to eventually occur.

— Open-Minded, Winnipeg

Dear Open Minded: Most people who no longer want sex with their spouse would not want to know about an outside partner. Why? They’d be continually wondering when the romantic get-togethers were happening, and visualizing all kinds of scenarios. That includes the new sexual partners possibly falling in love.

To be sure, some people may be glad to be finally free of the pressure to have unwanted sex. But they also remember early days in their courtship and marriage, and how physical sex warmed their bond beyond the physical coupling. They don’t want to have to worry about a love bond developing whenever their marital partner is off being intimate with their new “sex-only” partner.

That’s why they’re not likely going to go for sanctioning a side relationship, and particularly not with a known friend, as in this case.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In regard to the discussion on people who incessantly contradict their spouse, no-matter-what, these folks are not sincerely disagreeing. They are just trying to provoke conflict! Two-year-olds often do this to all and sundry, but the majority of them outgrow it. A few carry it into adulthood.

This is not what your writer called “oppositional defiant disorder,” which is directed at authority figures, and pleasantly saying “let’s agree to disagree” is not useful either. These disturbed individuals will simply step up their game until you snap, as they have all the time in the world.

Such folks have a need (to contradict, and be right) and it’s deeply-rooted. A spouse is usually the easiest target for them, though a smaller, weaker person under their power will suffice as well.

— Travelled That Road, Manitoba

Dear Travelled: Your signature indicates you saw no way forward for yourself, took a determined turn off that marital road and finally freed yourself.

A psychologist or psychiatrist might be able to stop the constantly contradicting partner from needing to dominate all arguments, given enough time. Still, it’s unlikely the partner who bore the endless challenging and harassment would be willing to give it another try. Who can blame them?

The best that can come out of this situation is that the tireless debater gets help, and so does their former victim. Then, they can start again with partners who have no need to “win” all conversations and dominate a relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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