Come to grips with mixed up, muddled up feelings

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This article was published 09/12/2023 (1004 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a woman at the bar last weekend who turned out not to be fully a woman, at least not yet.

She is short and has the features of a woman, wears stylish feminine clothes and has the long, beautiful hair of a woman. It was the voice that really capped it — she has a perfect female tone, not low at all.

We talked and danced and went for something to eat afterwards, and that’s when she told me her situation. She has one big operation to go! I was disappointed, but not disgusted. I’d like to keep seeing her as a friend, but she said her feelings weren’t just platonic. When we parted, she kissed me on the cheek.

I feel mixed up about this, but I don’t think I want to be with another guy, even if he looks and sounds like a woman. Now what? I am so mixed up. What does this mean about me, that I’m so attracted?

— Confused by this ‘Lady,’ Wolseley

Dear Confused: This attraction doesn’t really say much about your sexuality; you reacted to this feminine entity like you have with other woman. It’s just that this person hasn’t fully realized her true self yet, but it’s going to happen.

You and she may decide to have a casual friendship, at least for now, but who knows, maybe you’ll get together in the future as something more? Still, it’s probably be too confusing for you to try to have a close friendship right now. Your best bet might be to stay in touch, with a call or some messages every few months, if that would be acceptable for both of you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been married to a guy for two years now, who used to really turn me on. But now, he’s the king of guilt-tripping me over sex! He’s so negative about everything the bad energy is catching. Lately, I’ve wanted sex much less with him.

Whenever I turn him down, he doesn’t just pout, but adds more time to his sulking period. He went from moping around for a few hours, then all night, then for a day or two and then totally ignoring me. The last three times the sulking has gone on so long that it’s blown up into fights.

This time I’m not even fighting for the return of our lovemaking. In fact, last night I told him his behaviour made the situation worse and worse, and now the last thing I want is his naked body in front of me!

I can’t be alone in this. I’d like to know what other women have done in this situation. By the way, we have no kids yet, and I’m scared to have them with him, as it’s quite possible we may not make it long-term as a married couple. We are both pushing 30.

The love may still be down there somewhere, but I’m not feeling it. By the way, I grew up believing kids are a lifetime commitment!

— Fed-Up Wife of Sulking Man, West Kildonan

Dear Fed-Up: Sometimes couples pick fights, deny sex and won’t make up for very long periods, because the truth is they really want the relationship to end. They just don’t want to look like the bad person!

It’s time to find out if that’s the situation here — if you want out, your husband does or both of you secretly do. If you both want to save the marriage, you need relationship counselling, ASAP, and a clear understanding about how both arguments and sexual denial are handled going forward.

You also need to talk about this big question: Do you still want to have kids together? Maybe the trust is too far gone for that. You say you already suspect you won’t make it as a married couple for the long haul.

If that’s the situation, you’ll need to part soon. You’re almost at the age 30 mark, and will both need time to find a mature and long-lasting love with someone new, in the next few years. Not a lot of time to lose!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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