Smaller group outings could facilitate real bonding

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This article was published 12/12/2023 (965 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Ouch! I feel like I never get invited to anything unless I organize it. I have all these friends who never seem to host anything themselves, but somehow always get invited to stuff! How do I get some of that for myself? I’m tired of feeling like nobody wants to hang out with me, unless I initiate.

— Unhappy Social Organizer, Westwood

Dear Unhappy: Your friends may think they can’t compete with you — the great party host/organizer. Plus, they may think you have a super social life already and are invited out by all the other friends in the party group to share smaller activities with them.

You may be able to make this situation come true! The way to get more personal is to organize small groups of no more than four to six for movies, dinners or concerts where you can talk personally and start bonding more closely. As the big party host, you’re the director and a little too busy to get close.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new live-in girlfriend of six months has been using our shared debit card, meant for household expenses only, to buy clothes and personal stuff like makeup, earrings, movie passes and even gas for her car. The purchases are always under $50, so she doesn’t seem to see the issue. “Big, hairy deal” she said so eloquently to me yesterday.

In my opinion, a little black dress, that was “too good a deal to pass on!” doesn’t count as a household item. She contributes an estimated half in deposits to the account, and once her own personal account is out of money, she figures it’s OK to spend from the shared account, “so long as we have enough left in there to pay the bills.” What? I was under the impression the remainder of the money each month was supposed to help build our savings for house projects. That isn’t going to happen, ever!

I love her, but if we’re ever going to tie the knot someday, I want us to be on the same page financially. I’ve tried frank and mature conversations, and she agrees with me in the moment, but then she’s right back at it! Please help us.

— Loving a Spoiled Brat, St. Boniface.

Dear Loving: Your partner does not understand the concept of a combined fund — too airy-fairy for her. She needs to pay up a different way — exactly half the household expenses every month, and you supply that number.

Personal expenses come out of both your wallets. If there’s something to save for, that has to be a different fund with its own name on it. Then you can stop being “Dad,” which is not the role you signed up to play and she can stop acting spoiled.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is just plain fat, and so am I. I have decided to join a weight-loss group in January, and have asked him to join me. He said, “Love me the way I am, Babe!” I do love him, but I don’t love the extra 60 pounds he’s piled on in the eight years we’ve been married.

He used to be a muscular football player, and now he’s just critically overweight. I’m not as bad, but my “figure” no longer exists, and I don’t feel good about my looks in the mirror. I need his help! How can I get him to join me?

— Wanting a Weight Loss Partner, St. James

Dear Wanting a Partner: If you need a buddy to go, find a woman friend. Once you start losing the weight and exclaiming about how much you’ve lost each week, it might interest him to go. If it doesn’t, keep on going anyway, and make yourself happy. Perhaps you can interest your husband in going walking in the evenings, or joining a gym with you to work out — or maybe not. This might have to be your project, but it’s worth it to reduce the factors for poor health and feel good about your body again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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