After nocturnal rebuff, don’t dream of going back

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This article was published 30/11/2023 (1014 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My live-in fiancée broke up with me by putting her engagement ring and key to my apartment on the bedside table and sneaking out at 2 a.m.! She had all her personal stuff in two big bags and waited until I was asleep. I heard the front door click, felt across the bed for her — and then snapped on the light. Gone! I ran outside in my undershorts, and saw her loading her bags and driving off!

Here’s the worst part: She’s been calling me from her girlfriend’s place non-stop — not to change her mind but to apologize for running out. Last night she said, “You know me. I wouldn’t run out on a person like that!” I yelled, “Oh, yeah? That’s exactly what you did!” Then I called her a string of nasty names, and told her to get out of my life. She’s still calling. Help!

— Left in the Lurch, Tuxedo

Dear Left: You can block a phone number if you really don’t want to hear from a certain person again. But maybe you actually like the sound of this ex when she’s phoning up and trying to defend herself!

If you want this relationship to be truly over, you’re going to have to get past “angry” and be willing to let it go for good. A relationship counsellor or a psychologist could help you make that transition.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother drinks and flirts with every man she meets. Why? My dad doesn’t have a relationship with her anymore — when he’s with us he just refers to her as “your mother.”

Dad stays with her because there are four kids at home, and she still cooks and cleans for everybody. However, she drinks wine in a big coffee cup starting at noon, and isn’t fooling anyone. By 9 p.m., she’s snoring in front of the TV in her own bedroom.

Our father goes back to the office to “work late and support the family.” I drove to his office the other night to have a serious talk with him about the plan for me to go to university in the States.

There was no one around, except for his truck and a fancy white car in the office parking lot. It belongs to the hot-looking new woman who works closely with him. I looked through the window and I saw what I saw — I’m not stupid! I drove home in shock.

Now I’m sitting on my father’s secret, but I don’t respect my mother either. If all this blows up, what happens to me, my education and my younger siblings? Will there even be money for me to go to university? What should I do now? I feel lost.

— Oldest Son, Winnipeg

Dear Oldest Son: Many university students successfully get degrees in their home city without their families paying. They compete for scholarships, apply for bursaries, find a series of part-time jobs and make money working full-time during the four-month summer break. Sometimes they have to take a year off school to build up another stash of money, but in the end, they have the pride of having earned their way themselves, and they don’t have to kowtow to anybody.

As for your dad’s lady friend, tell your father you drove out to talk to him at his office, but didn’t stay when you saw that lady’s car. Then just let him say whatever he will, which might be nothing. (He’ll still know what you you’re thinking!)

If your parents break up, you don’t need to step in and take on the dad role for the rest of the kids, though you might decide to go to university in your home city. Then you can help your siblings out as a friend and adviser.

You can still pursue your dreams! And you could share an apartment with a friend or two, and be close enough to still be a helpful big brother.

As for helping Mom with her drinking problem, get help and advice available from Al-Anon (for friends and relations of alcoholics) before you make any moves. You can connect with them for meetings in-person, via phone or on Zoom meetings. Check out their website (mbnwo-alanon.org) and stop shouldering this burden all by yourself.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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