Acrimonious split with hubby could reverberate

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband recently came home early to the city from our cottage, where he’s been secretly finishing up a huge business proposal for his new venture. Unfortunately, he didn’t call or text to let me know, and I was at my new man friend’s place for one of our last nights together before cottage season ends. I even had my phone nearby in case my husband called.

My husband is not stupid and suspected who I would be with. He knows the guy and is also aware I’ve always had a major crush on him. He also knows where my lover lives and decided it was time to stop by and try to confront us.

He saw my car out front and banged and banged on the guy’s door, waking neighbours on both sides. We kept the lights off and didn’t answer. People yelled at him out their windows and threatened to call the cops, so he just honked a bunch of times and left.

Now he says he wants what is a ridiculous financial settlement from me for the harm he says I’ve done to his emotional health and for his failure to finish his proposal on time. What now?

— Sick of Man I Married, southeastern Manitoba

Dear Sick: You chose this man to marry, and loved him at one time, so be careful how nasty you are at this point when you’re talking to other people about the situation. You are the cheater here, and it will just make you look bad.

You could have asked your husband for a divorce and maybe would have had a shot for at having a smooth one and a decent settlement. Now you may find out just how nasty he can be in return.

This could all backfire on you another way as well. Your new love will be watching closely to see how you operate, and he may not like your nasty side and back off the romance to avoid similar treatment.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is one of those people who is quiet and sweet at home and a big show-off when we go out, as she always has a few too many fancy cocktails. But I don’t think she’s as drunk as she pretends to be when she gets on the dance floor.

I fully realize I married my wife knowing she was like this. We didn’t go out socially much at first after our wedding, but lately in our new neighbourhood, she’s always raring to hit the bar with our new gang of other couples from the area. But first she needs to a bit get drunk at home before we leave.

She regularly ends up getting completely tanked. Last weekend she was so drunk I had to load her into the back of our vehicle because I was afraid she would fall sideways into me while I was driving us home.

I told her off the next day when she was hungover, but that was a mistake. She just said, “Don’t worry about me embarrassing you again. I’ll just go out with my new girlfriends instead. Women are better lovers anyway.“

Really? That’s all this marriage needs. I don’t know what to do when she can’t even admit she’s developed a drinking problem, or is secretly into women. Please help.

— Hurt and Confused, Westman

Dear Hurt and Confused: Your wife’s need to drink before she even goes out with you and this friend group could be her fortifying herself psychologically, but in fear of what?

If you suspect your wife is mixed up sexually or romantically with a man or woman in the group, you really need to see a relationship counsellor alone first — and then with your partner.

If you suspect liquor has become the root of your wife’s behaviour, contact Al-Anon (al-anon.org), an organization that helps support friends, family and loved ones of people who have alcohol problems.

It would make sense for both of you to stop going to these boozy get-togethers at the bar. Why set the scene for another upsetting night? It seems highly unlikely your wife will go to these couples’ soirées alone, although she may continue threatening to do so.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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