Set yourself free from degrading marriage

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just can’t go another round of marital boxing. I’m so sick and tired of my wealthy older husband — a man I don’t love and frankly never really did — and we have not been able to have a child together, either.

I told him that yesterday, but he said (get this) “I know that, but I’m not tired of you yet.” He says he’ll let me go, “if and when he’s good and ready.”

I totally blew up! I detailed a long list of mean and downright crude things he has said and done to me. I told him it hasn’t been worth sharing his money and lavish lifestyle.

As for his not being true to me, apparently it’s all my fault! He says, “Face facts. Men have to stray when they get frustrated by their cold wives.” He’s a man who says he needs a “sex workout” three times a week, or he’s forced to go out looking for it.

But how is this a life for me? How do I get free of this man who won’t take no for an answer? I would just walk, but I don’t have a job and no real work experience outside of working in a flower shop years ago — where I met him.

He was always in there buying bouquets for women. What a charmer he was then — and what a contrast to the man he is now. Help me escape him!

— Jailed By Marriage, Tuxedo

Dear Jailed: Quietly see a divorce lawyer you’re sure your husband doesn’t know. If you get a divorce from this wealthy man, with a decent settlement you could possibly start a small business — alone or with friends — and finally start building an independent life.

You’d be able to have your own friends, work with your own staff, reconnect more closely with your family and create your own life. You might not get rich financially, but you’d be richer in happiness and freedom than you’ve been for a very long time.

You don’t say how old you are, but you sound young-ish. If you don’t have the kind of money you need to get legal help, don’t be embarrassed to appeal to your family. They probably know more about the kind of life you’ve been leading than you ever imagined. They may have been wanting to help you get free, so at least ask.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just ran into a funny person I really got a kick out of eight long years ago in university. She was flirty with me, but being a shy, chicken-hearted guy, I didn’t do anything about it.

Frankly, I thought she looked like a lesbian with her very short hair cut and mannish clothes. It turns out I wasn’t totally wrong. She’s bisexual and did live with a woman, but now she’s single. Her marriage to her female partner from university days lasted not even three years.

She’s such a pleasure to talk to and I’d love to ask her out! I have her contact info now, but how do I ask her about the current status of her sexuality? I’d want to be more than her buddy, if she’s into it, but it’s awkward to just ask that.

— Looking for the Words, South St. Vital

Dear Looking: You don’t have to ask this woman about her sexuality on a first coffee date. Just go and ask lots of other questions, volunteer personal stuff about your own life and flirt a little.

If she wants you to keep your distance because she’s still more into women, she’ll let you know that.

If you do go out a few times with her, and you’re getting to the end of a date that feels successful, just say plainly, “I’d like to see you again, but could you tell me if you’re into seeing guys as anything more than friends, because I’m attracted to you.”

Nobody’s going to be offended to hear they’re attractive, and you might as well get to the issue that’s taking up space at the table with you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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