Accept fact old mate must move at own speed

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Recently I ran into a former “metal-muncher” like me who also had big old-fashioned braces like mine, way back when were in junior high. We became friends, bonding over the orthodontics thing — and we were both also hiding being gay back then.

We both look great now, with our beautiful teeth, and I am openly “out” while he is only cautiously so.

I asked him to go for a friendly dinner at a restaurant nearby, my treat. We talked for almost two hours, but at the end, he seemed to be sitting there lost in thought. Then he suddenly got a frown on his face and took his phone to the back of the restaurant and called somebody.

He came back and said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but this date or whatever it is, just isn’t working for me. I need to go and see my boyfriend. He knows I’m here, but not why exactly, and who you were to me in my life.”

Then he went to the bathroom. Before he came back, I had paid the bill and was gone. Was it something I said that so offended him?

— Mystery to Me, St. James

Dear Mystery: You buying dinner for him may have made it feel like a date to him, and like he was suddenly cheating on his boyfriend. Just let him fly away freely without having to explain anything more to you.

As you note, he may still not be out as gay to a lot of people yet. Or maybe he just needed to go because he’s a true-blue kind of guy.

Don’t fret over his leaving, and don’t chase him down to talk. He obviously doesn’t have the words for it, at this point. Maybe he doesn’t want old memories or feelings of being closeted to come rushing back, and he still needs to take it slowly.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am trying to hit different churches other than my own “brand” of Christianity, but I’m keeping my search a secret. Why? I just want to find the perfect fit — the church leaders, the age demographic, the kind of people who attend.

The people at my church since grade school are very nice but I fall asleep during the sermon and sometimes snore — much to my embarrassment. I need a more-rousing service to keep me awake, I think!

— Church Shopper, North Kildonan

Dear Church Shopper: It doesn’t matter to most people what type of religion you follow, as long as you aren’t “selling” them the idea of joining your faith. People don’t talk much about spiritual matters to friends and day-to-day acquaintances outside of church these days. But you can pretty well go where you want and people will be friendly.

There’s nothing wrong with you looking for a good fit by trying out places of worship through the autumn few months, and then settling on what you want.

Then it’s time to open up and tell people close to you. Maybe they will join you one day, or maybe not. This is really about you and your needs and preferred style of worship, as well as locating a venue you like.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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