Don’t let cottage kerfuffle traumatize kids

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife wants to sell our cabin after this awful summer of smoke, but I told her no. We’re down to a lot of bitter arguing and last night I finally exploded.

I said to her, “The thing I like least about you is your cowardice, and you’ve been teaching our kids all summer how to be afraid. Now you want to sell the cabin they love, just in case there’s another dangerous summer sometime?”

The kids were in their bedrooms and heard the fighting, but didn’t come out. This morning my son asked me in tears if I was going to leave the family because of the smoke.

It broke my heart to hear his scared little voice, so I promised him I would not leave him. (I couldn’t promise anything on his mother’s behalf, though.)

So, where do my wife and I go from here? How can we love each other, when we can’t even like or respect each other these days?

— Said Too Much, Winnipeg

Dear Said Too Much: First you make a vow together to never have another fight like this when your kids are under the same roof with you. Some couples jump in a parked vehicle outside and make sure the windows are rolled up when they need to exchange heated words.

In your case, it’s too late for that first bad exchange, but there still may be more fights ahead over keeping your cabin. Get some outside help for those discussions.

Some family counsellors are skilled at including people of all ages, even young kids. They often end up with spoken resolutions to help heal the rifts and the kids’ insecurities brought on by their parents’ squabbling and rocking their dependent little lives.

Find out what style different counsellors use in their practices before you sign up, and then give it at least a few sessions with one or two counsellors, and make a real effort.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The love of my life from high school has been back in town recently — a wild guy I finally told to get out and stay out of my life. So, he did me the favour of going to university in Montreal where he’s been staying with his relatives ever since.

But true to form, this summer he came back for a visit with his family and phoned and asked me for “one little favour” — that I meet him for my favourite treat, which is a triple-decker ice cream cone. The little con man always asked for ridiculously little, so what could I do? The problem is I still love the guy.

Anyway, he came over to get me and we stayed in with a tub of my favourite ice cream (he remembered) and didn’t leave until 4 a.m. after he said he still loved me. What a great night.

I was floating, but he hasn’t called me since. I’m very hurt. Should I call him, or try to bury my feelings and embarrassment at still being so open and welcoming to him?

— Hit and Run? Norwood

Dear Hit and Run: One of the saddest things a broken-up pair who still love each other can do when they meet again is to part yet again without stating honestly if they still care, and if so, how much. “Why didn’t you tell me then before it was too late?” is one of the saddest things to say when it really is too late.

Your old love is no doubt still hurt that you cut him out of your life before he went to Quebec. You can bet that’s what brought on the ice cream date, in private. You two still have a lot of straight talking to do, as this relationship is not really over.

Contact him now, even if you feel embarrassed. It’s better than letting the hurt turn to bitterness. Finally express all your feelings, and encourage him to do the same.

If his Winnipeg family is tight, he may be considering moving back here when he’s finished his education. Investigate that angle openly. Maybe you two could still be part of a future plan where your two families live happily ever after, right here in town.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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