Debrief your summer bummer and move on

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a wonderful sporty woman at the a lake where I often have to be, because of my work. We ended up having “sexercise lunches” for a laugh in some outlying sand dunes, for two wonderful months.

She was open about not breaking it off with her regular guy, who was off the continent for the summer, working on a project. They had a “summer-off” deal. She recently apologized and said she never intended for us to get so out of hand — and I haven’t seen her since!

My gut aches all the time. What now? I feel so used, like her fill-in man.

— Ready to Explode, Interlake

Dear Ready to Explode: Some people carry hurt over a betrayal like this much longer than needed. Instead, you should throw some counselling money at this issue. Besides binding this particular wound, a good counsellor will help you learn to make better choices at the beginning of a relationship.

One of them will be to assess the possible hurt of “filling in” for another partner, over a long-ish period of time. Not a good bet, because most people are not sex machines, and they can really get hurt.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a problem with “my” girlfriend. I love her, but she is way over-committed to her animals. I wouldn’t call them pets, as they’re as close as family to her — even closer than me.

For instance, she is like a human mother to her oldest male horse, who has been with her since the minute he struggled to be born. If he’s sick, she sleeps out in the barn to be near to him. She invites me to join them, knowing I won’t.

This situation seems a bit sick. She even kisses her horse’s face goodnight, right between the eyes. I’ve seen it too many times.

Should I give up on this relationship?

I know her special horse and other animals will die way before I do, but she will replace them!

I do love this woman, and it’d hurt badly to leave her.

I know she loves me too, in the less-devoted way she loves human beings. What do you think?

— Second Best to a Horse, rural Manitoba

Dear Second Best: You two are not going to magically morph into different types of people to suit each other better, and if you make the mistake of marrying someone and trying to force a personality change, usually nobody wins.

This woman is as committed to her animals as devoted doctors are to their favourite long-term patients, or more! She may have been part of the answer in your quest for a great mate to share your life with, but you really need a caring soul who dotes on people, and you’re her No. 1 person, to love forever.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m longing for a man I gave up on two weeks ago — because he wasn’t ready to commit to marrying me. We’d been together almost day and night for six months. He declared his “deep love” in the very first month. He confessed he’d loved me from a distance for the two years we’ve worked at the same big company.

I had not been harbouring the same deep love he was, but I quickly came to care for him and soon felt the same deep love for him.

But when I told him, he didn’t respond with the kind of proposal I’d hoped for. He turned pale and finally said we should “keep on keepin’ on, to see where it leads.” What? I felt sick and tricked, like he finally got what he wanted from me — great sex, and my declaration of love — and then he didn’t want to commit.

Why? I’m feeling sick to my stomach and still have to look at him every day, across the office at work.

I don’t want to quit my dream job, but it’s killing me to stay. The source of my pain is him, and he says I’ll have to be the one to quit, because the job suits him perfectly.

— Feeling Furious, South Winnipeg

Dear Furious: Either you find yourself a similar job elsewhere or you talk to management about working in an area where you don’t interact with this man.

They might not appreciate hearing that, so first speak directly with someone from your human resources department about getting counselling, which may be covered by your company health-insurance plan. It may be embarrassing to have to ask for it, but it’s a way to possibly save the job you love.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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