Sudden social-media fixation sparks acrimony

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This is going to sound dumb — because it sounds dumb to me. My wife of two years (we’re in our mid-20s) just started really getting into social media since the excitement of our wedding died down.

Now she’s a bit bored, and to entertain herself, has amassed a decent-sized group of followers. The problem is, she’s trying to involve me, and I sure as heck don’t want to do a stupid dance or a skit for one of her videos.

She’s starting to become quite full of herself as a content producer, and she’s quite rude and dismissive with me if I make even one negative comment.

I’m feeling like I got a bait-and-switch wife, where I was sold a version of her as a devoted bride-to-be that no longer exists.

She has no idea how close I am to backing out of this marriage before we have a kid and are really stuck. What’s going on?

— Social Media Collateral Damage, Osborne Village

Dear Collateral Damage: Sometimes humans just change, and they do it big time. It’s an unfortunate truth and partners often can’t forecast if and when it will happen.

Two years into a marriage, you might want to ask yourself a few questions before making any serious decisions about starting a family together. For instance, is she the type of person who goes from interest to interest in all areas of her life? Does she see this new interest continuing long-term?

Since there’s already been some friction surrounding her social media usage, you two need to have a conversation about setting boundaries together.

Make it clear you don’t want to be a part of her posts, but be careful not to insult her or talk down to her about the creative work she’s doing.

Any serious “state-of-the-union” conversation should clear focus on reconciling your differences. You really don’t want to lose the special relationship that brought you so close that you declared your love and married one another.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was out last week with my husband of nine years and one of his female co-workers. She had just gone through a bad breakup, so my sweetie suggested we join her for drinks. I didn’t see any harm in it. Stupid me.

Fast forward to the drinks.

She showed up in a cab, already half-wasted and giggling. I found it a bit awkward, but my man was totally into it. He did shots to catch up (which he never does with me) and the two of them basically acted like I wasn’t in the room — telling inside stories from work — and as they got drunker, definitely flirting with each other.

When we finally left the bar and she went off in a cab, I had to drive and my husband kept saying, “She’s such a good girl.” The woman’s almost 40 — she’s not a girl, and I don’t find her all that “good” either.

I can tell my husband is attracted to her. Did he invite me along because it was a sneaky way to hang out with his “good girl” he sees every day at work and not feel guilty about it?

— Suspicious Wife, East Kildonan

Dear Suspicious: You have every right to feel the way you do.

It’s time to have a serious conversation with your husband about what was really going on when the three of you got together. Tell him that you watched him openly flirting with his co-worker as she was throwing back drinks at the bar, and then singing her praises and defending her while you were driving the two of you home.

The annoying refrain, “She’s such a good girl,” was probably a defensive move for the blast he expected to get from you. Let him know the whole scene made you feel uncomfortable, hurt and disrespected.

If he doesn’t seem to get this, turn the situation around. Ask him to imagine you two picking up a single guy from your work, you matching him drink for drink and pouring your attention on him all evening. And then, as a nightcap, you hailing him as “such a good guy” all the way home.

While you and your husband already have a life together and a history, you really need to speak up, as this kind of sore can fester, and fast.

If you’re worried about this relationship at work, let your husband know clearly.

Then let him tell you his version of things and don’t lecture. Just watch him closely and judge for yourself if he has crush on her.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I live with a man who keeps telling me how badly he wants to have kids, but based on how things are right now, I don’t trust him to actually help with any of the responsibilities. My guy spends more time on his PlayStation than with me, so I’m afraid I can see how things are going to play out.

He keeps asking when we’re going to have kids, and while I used to get excited about it, I can barely hide my feelings anymore. I love him — he’s lots of fun and earns good money — but he is immature. What do we do?

— In Love With Peter Pan, River Heights

Dear In Love: If your man were able to get his act together, would you trust a marriage with children to last? It might, and it helps that he openly wants children with you.

While some people shape up when their immaturity is called into question, many return to old habits after a short period.

If you have kids with this man, will he be there when things are hectic or will he retreat to immaturity?

Having a family requires both parents to do their part to avoid burnout or snapping at each other or the kids. Talk to him and tell him you’re also serious about having kids. Discuss details around who would like to do what in the many aspects of child-rearing. You might be pleasantly surprised. A man who truly loves children often makes a great dad — especially if he enjoys doing the work involved.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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