Just be there for work buddy during crisis

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My favourite co-worker called me from his cottage vacation in bad shape, and it wasn’t the smoke that had him in tears. He and his husband — a couple I thought were solid — had just had a major row.

They had driven up to the cabin together but his partner ended up driving home alone from the lake in anger. And yes, there had been a lot of drinking involved on my friend’s part.

His partner was so mad he told him to come back home “if and when” he felt like calling a taxi back to Winnipeg!

That was certainly not happening on my co-worker’s budget, so I got in my car and went to get him. Now I’m wondering if there is any other way I can be of help, as he’s feeling so alone and sad, and I’m worried.

— Work Friend, Fort Garry

Dear Work Friend: Go over to his place with food and drink (no alcohol!), when the partner isn’t there and have a private talk. Ask your friend what he needs, and if a breakup is actually happening.

Ask him who else he has for support, and volunteer to get in touch with his favourite people to tell them briefly what’s going on in his life, and that he needs their support right now.

That’s what a good friend can do after a stressful split — and you are definitely a great one.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My first wife was only 17 and me 18 when we had what some people call an “oopsie” — an unexpected pregnancy.

I loved my girlfriend and our developing child, so we got married at a tiny wedding. Then my folks took us in to live with them, and they looked after the three of us out on their farm while we finished school.

But the marriage itself never seemed like a real “love match” — as my mother put it. Why did she think that? My wife was open about wanting someone older “with a decent job.” She was soon working in a store in a nearby town, where she met an older guy, who frequented the shop.

She says she fell deeply in love with him and now she’s just taken our little boy with her and she’s gone to live with the guy in town.

That move tore me up, and also my parents. They’re broken-hearted at losing their little guy.

What can I possibly do? It feels like my ex is trying to cut me out as the father of our child and replace me with this older guy. I need advice in a hurry, please.

— Fractured Family, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Fractured Family: Couples who are breaking up for good often need in-person help and a verbal referee, due to the fact things can get so emotional. Plus, a separation with a child involved is even more painful when there’s no plan to count on for regular visitation or financial support.

You really need to find a good divorce lawyer and get a legal agreement set up to address these important issues, ASAP.

It will address visitation and financial support for the little one, starting right away. No doubt your parents will be there to help you pay for legal help.

In this case, your child has also been deeply involved with your parents, who have had him under their roof since the beginning.

It would be best if you and your ex enlisted professional counselling help to work through the many aspects of your separation, and particularly how best to handle the visitation situation with your shared child.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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