Put grieving kids ahead of desire for new partner

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: After my husband died, I was somewhat sad, but I had served my time with him for 15 long years. I was more than ready for a new partner — and maybe a female.

Well, this attractive woman friend of mine came to my husband’s funeral and I accepted her offer of a cup of coffee the next week at a bakery with a seating area. We talked for two hours.

We’ve spent time together socially quite a few times and now we’re talking about “seeing” each other — there’s definitely an attraction that’s way more than friends.

Sadly, my kids who are in junior high are still suffering the loss of their father and will be for some time. He was a good dad to them.

I haven’t told them that my female friend and I are quickly becoming a lot closer than just friends. When would be the right time? I really want to start meeting this woman’s family and friends. How long should I wait?

— Anxious to Begin Again, southeastern Manitoba

Dear Anxious: Slow down for your children’s sake. Rushing your grieving teen kids into accepting a relationship with a new person of any sexual persuasion does not allow them to grieve and heal at a normal pace. That could mess their heads up.

You may have been lonely for years, but as the adult and parent you can’t skip tending to their grief over their dad. You need to give them lots of extra time and attention. Don’t give them anything more difficult to deal with now — such as finding out their mom’s getting into a lesbian relationship.

That means you must very quietly grow your relationship with this woman, but the romance part should be built over at the other woman’s house.

Yes, you need company and happiness, but at this stage, you have to think of your kids and what’s going on in their minds.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: How do you explain to an extroverted new girlfriend that you’re an introvert? I rarely feel lonely when I’m lucky enough to be alone. I can do what I want, when and where I want, for as long as I want. It’s the ultimate freedom for me, and I love it.

She says she thinks I’m a “deep person” and a puzzle that fascinates her. Wait until she finds out I’m not deep at all and that I just like to be alone to look at the world with no demands placed on me to be sociable, say the right things and fill the spaces in a conversation.

Are we a big mismatch? I wish she would get off this topic and leave me alone more often. What should I tell her?

— Happy Introvert, Selkirk

Dear Happy: It’s time to tell this extrovert goodbye and do both of you a big favour.

The truth is you will enjoy being with someone who doesn’t expect you’re going to turn out to have a big, constant interest in other people. So do the kind thing and bid her adieu so she can find someone more able to share thoughts and emotions with her on a more regular basis.

If she argues to keep you, say: “Please stop making excuses for me and find someone who is naturally more your type. We’ll both be happier that way.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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