Level up the bonds for tricky trio to click

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend and I are both women and bisexual. This summer we felt we were so solid as a couple that we could hazard finding a male friend and lover to share. Unfortunately, this wonderful guy we found has become much closer with me than with my mate.

Now jealousy has reared its ugly head. Sexually, we’re a well-tuned trio but in the also-important “friend” department, he and I are much closer than the two of them. They have zero common interests. Life isn’t always about sex, after the first couple of months anyway. I have certainly found that out.

I don’t want to give our guy up, but my girlfriend says things are unbalanced and she is starting to hurt.

What do you suggest for activities to even things up in the relationship? I love my female partner more because I have been with her longer and we have weathered a lot together. Sometimes, I also feel jealous of our male third party. Help please. Is three really a crowd?

— Hoping Not, Norwood

Dear Hoping Not: Activities such as golf can be a fun warm-weather activity for three. Hiking is also fun in a small group and in different types of weather and temperatures. Mixology classes (making fancy cocktails) can be fun for small numbers, as is cross-country skiing when winter comes again. Also, good old yoga works all year round with many different types to try.

Broadening the types of activities the three of you take part in together could help you develop deeper bonds.

However, you also mention feelings of jealously, so sharing your deeper feelings and working through these things honestly could help level things up.

With any luck, and some relationship work, three doesn’t have to be a crowd.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate it that my mother is having an affair with a former male teacher of mine — the one I admired most as a high school student. I heard this news recently at a friend’s get-together and it made me feel ill.

At first I thought it was a joke, but the possibility crept in on the drive home when I faced the fact my parents don’t sleep together and haven’t since I was still in school. That was supposedly because of dad’s bad back and the need for a hard mattress.

So, the next night I went sleuthing to find where my mother went and I spotted her car parked quite a few blocks away from that teacher’s place. I checked the next day with a close teammate and the teacher is not married to his old wife anymore.

I didn’t lose my cool and didn’t go banging on my ex-teacher’s door — but now what? And, is it really any of my business at this point?

My dad doesn’t seem interested in the marriage with my mom anymore — he never does anything with her.

I feel sorry for them — and for myself. What can I do now about this situation?

— Sad Son, West Kildonan

Dear Sad Son: Confront your mother soon with, “I saw your car parked near my old teacher’s house the other night. Could you tell me about that? I’ve been hearing rumours.”

If she looks shocked and says, “He’s just a friend and it’s none of your business,” you say, “You might as well tell me the truth because I’m just going to keep asking around.” That kind of pressure will often squeeze something out that sounds a lot like the truth, or at least part of it.

Just end by saying, “I’m old enough to take the truth, even if it’s difficult.” Your parents have already wasted too many years living a lie, and it might also be a relief for them to get things out into the open.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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