Reach out for support to embrace your true self

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a bisexual woman and have been posing as straight for years — although not everyone has been fooled. I’ve been closeted and lonely for a long time since I ended my boring relationship with a man.

I just can’t keep pretending anymore. I’m so lonely standing on the sidelines of my own life. I desperately need to come out and face my complex sexuality with my family, but they were upset enough over my sister coming out as lesbian that I just couldn’t disappoint them again.

But I realize now it’s my life and I only have one.

My sister moved with her girlfriend two provinces away and I don’t have a group of lesbian friends here, but I do have a fantastic job that keeps me in Winnipeg.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, but I can’t keep avoiding the fact I feel absolutely trapped.

— Lonely to the Core, Osborne Village

Dear Lonely: Hike over the Osborne Bridge from your neighbourhood and hang a left. The Rainbow Resource Centre (rainbowresourcecentre.org) at 545 Broadway, provides free short-term counselling (up to eight sessions) to LGBTTQ+ individuals.

The people at the centre are kind and understanding, and can help you plan a way to set yourself up to finally come out.

People, including your parents and the rest of your family, may already know about your sexuality, but are just waiting for you to make the first move.

You might want to call your sister, who is already out and happy.

It would be good to know all the reasons why she moved so far away, so you can avoid some of the stress she endured.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife got a call on her birthday from her high school ex-boyfriend. She squealed his rude nickname before she ran to the bathroom and closed the door.

She has since been talking to this ex every few nights and not even hiding it from me.

She even offered me the phone to say hello to the jerk. I refused. I really want to break the guy’s face.

She says it’s just friendly conversation with him, and that she loves me to pieces.

She insists this dude is just a casual friend. I don’t want him to be any kind of friend, but they’re on the phone almost every night now. Why is she disrespecting me with this jerk?

I could barely handle the birthday party call from him — but this is too much. He’s calling almost daily now and must be laughing at me for being such a sucker. I can’t forbid my wife from talking to him, but I hate it.

So what can I do? I’m too old to play tit-for-tat, although I do have ex-girlfriends who would welcome calls from me. I hinted at that to my wife, and she said, “Go ahead. I trust you completely.“

Then I finally blew and said, “Why are you disrespecting me, right to my face? I would choose a divorce from you rather than deal with more of this crap.”

What should I do?

— Not Sharing, St. James

Dear Not Sharing: Your wife doesn’t realize she may not have a marriage much longer if she continues flirting with this ex-boyfriend and throwing it in your face.

He’s been calling since her birthday, so it’s time to make a move.

First, ask your wife if she’s lost interest in you — “because it feels like it.’’

Ask your wife if she’s really hoping for an open marriage where you stay together as a couple, but you no longer have to be true. Tell her you signed up for something deeper.

If she counters by naming disrespectful behaviour from your side that has hurt her, that’s actually helpful. Insist on marriage counselling to help you sort the problems out on both sides and hopefully you may end up happy again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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