Don’t be guilted into hasty decisions on future

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a bisexual man who has been living abroad. I recently brought my male partner home for a holiday and to meet the family in Manitoba. It turns out the family adores my partner.

In fact, my mother and sister want us to move back for good and get married.

This feels like jumping the gun to my partner and me. We both have careers overseas, and we haven’t even talked about marriage.

Suddenly it feels like an escalator just started up underneath us and is moving us willy-nilly to the next level. What can we do? We’re flying back soon.

— Feeling the Jolt, Manitoba

Dear Feeling the Jolt: Don’t carry on any kind of marriage debate on this side of the ocean. Just say, “Maybe we’ll think about it when we get back home and our brains have cleared.”

Feeling cut off from you is the underlying problem for your family, so consider asking if they would consider coming to visit you for a few weeks. You could even offer to help with some of their travel if money is an issue.

That could be comforting and ease the painful goodbye.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m considering quitting my stressful career job. I know of another job I would like way better — for less money, unfortunately. However, I would be able to relax with it and live longer.

My second problem is I’m enjoying my first younger girlfriend ever, now that I’m separated. The trouble is, she wants to live together.

I told her about me wanting a change of careers, and she said, “Great. I’m going to do the same thing because I don’t like my job either.”

My mouth dropped open. She has a very high-paying job.

So here I sit — dumbfounded. Please help.

— Totally Mixed Up, Silver Heights

Dear Mixed Up: You may need to take more holidays, but maybe you don’t need to abandon your career entirely. Take some time off and rest your brain, so you can think about this calmly. Ditto for the serious girlfriend issue. She’s happily thinking of pairing up with you, my friend, and the last thing you need right now is someone who will want your support — particularly financially.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My first wife’s second husband recently died and out of common decency I went to his funeral. She paid me a visit at my back door later. (My ex-wife and I have remained civil because we live in the same town, but I don’t want her anywhere near me.)

I told her through the screen door that I couldn’t let her in at that moment. She went home and came back again a few hours later with vegetables from her garden and some flowers.

Sorry to be blunt, but how do I get rid of her?

— Problem from the Past, rural Manitoba

Dear Problem from the Past: Accept her garden gifts with a smile, and say, “It was kind of you to stop by.”

Tell your ex-wife you appreciate her offer, but she needs to know you two will never be together again as a couple, so it wouldn’t make sense to foster this friendship.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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