Family childhood trauma nothing to kid about

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My fiancé — a youngest sibling — has just said he doesn’t think he wants to have any children! Although we didn’t really talk much about this before our engagement last year, I just presumed that, like me, he’d want a family with several children fairly close in age, as with my family. He always enjoys my family’s hi-jinx, and I always took that to mean he’d want a pile of kids!

But now he’s loosening up a bit and telling me about his past — like how his older siblings never wanted him hanging around and spoiling their fun. They hated to babysit him and would make him stay in his little room whenever their folks were out at night. His mom and dad would just pull out of the driveway and the older kids would shove him inside his room and lock it, and let him sob until he fell asleep on the floor.

My husband won’t listen to anything I tell him about absolutely avoiding any possible repeat of that. His life as a child with his older siblings was one big trauma he doesn’t like to talk about, ever.

What now? Should I leave the man? I do love him and feel sorry about his past, but I really want to have a loving family be kind parents. I don’t know if marrying him would be fair to anyone.

— Never a Mom? Tuxedo

Dear Never a Mom?: If your man wants out of the situation, let him go. You’d be wise to put your marriage dreams on hold for now.

You two need to see an experienced family counsellor on the subject of raising a family together and healing wounds from the past.

Part of your duty as a child-bearer in this world is to find a great partner who is also a great father for your children. You don’t have that — at least not right now.

If your husband is willing to go through therapy and learn how to be a great dad who no longer carries the deep trauma of his experiences of abandonment and neglect, then you stand a chance.

But your fiancé will have to start actually taking part the counselling first, not just promising it “for a time in the future.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I packed up our cottage at the lake early and came home Aug. 15 with the promise to each other we’d come back and do some late-fall and winter vacationing — once the smoke had been gone for a long while. My husband thinks I’m being too hasty in wanting to shut it down early.

In other years, he loves to spend some early-autumn time at the cottage with buddies for what he laughingly calls “male-bonding time.” It’s also a time for card-playing, betting, partying, jokes and tall tales. But this year I want him to stay home and give me more time to get over the stress.

I do really love this outdoorsy man. Is it too much to ask him to cut out the early-fall trips and this year?

— Nervous, eastern Manitoba

Dear Nervous: Clearly, you don’t need any more hassle this season and some “forgetting time” is also needed. But if your man wants to take some buddies to the lake for one or two earlier-fall sessions, that might work, if it’s been safe long enough.

Why not take a wait-and-see position? Depending on where your cottage is situated, and the nearness of smoke and fire, you might not want to make any promises just yet.

Wait until you see how the situation plays out, week by week. Tedious? Yes. Extra-careful? Yes, but it can be a life-or-death situation.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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