Help give grieving dad the tools he needs to heal

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a mechanic in a medium-sized town and live beside my garage, but my girlfriend is a real farmer. You should see her up on her tractor — queen of the land. Her property is right by my parents’ farm.

Not long ago, my mom became ill and died, and my sweet farmer mate helped my dad and me by working my parents’ fields and in many other ways as well. This definitely brought us closer together as a couple and our relationship has evolved into something deeper. But now we’ve been confronted by a somewhat tricky problem.

My father, who had been kind of losing it due to grief and loneliness after my mom’s passing, found himself a new woman recently. But my dad is already fighting with his new mate and now he’s missing my mom even more. He can be a foul-mouthed ball of pain and is upsetting everybody around him.

How can my girlfriend and I help fix this big mess?

— Desperate Son, rural Manitoba

Dear Desperate: Do some scouting to find a rural therapist who helps people navigate grief, either in your town or in a larger centre. Social workers, church leaders, doctors and psychologists will be able to point you to the appropriate professionals with good reputations.

Then you and your girlfriend should drive your dad to and from his therapy appointments, at least for the first few sessions. Start by saying to your father, “Even just try going to one session. It will really help ease your pain.”

If your dad is connected to a place of worship in your hometown with a group for people who have lost their partners or a family member, he could also try that out — even if he needs an escort to get him to his first sessions.

If you can do this — with love — it will help get your dad on the road to healing from his loss and feeling better. It may even help you process your own grief more effectively.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband has been looking after his father’s social life since his mother died. He and his dad love to go out for drinks and bet on the horses at Assiniboia Downs, but I just found out the guys are not exactly alone out there.

His dad’s new girlfriend is a big betting type and she’s out there every week, too. She may be gunning for more than small-wager winnings though, as my father-in-law has lots of money, thanks to his wife’s will.

Is this any of my business? My husband told me to butt right out. What do you think?

— Suspicious, Charleswood

Dear Suspicious: Why are you staying home and trying to guess at what’s going on?

At least go out to Assiniboia Downs once or twice and survey the action — both on the track and among this little gang. That way you’ll be able to assess the varying personal dynamics, as well as the extent of the gambling and an idea of the money being spent.

It will also hopefully give you a better idea of how serious things are getting with your dad and his girlfriend, not to mention your husband’s role in these little get-togethers.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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