Don’t carry grandfather’s bombshell alone

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/11/2023 (975 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My grandpa, who is starting to lose it mentally, just told me he had a second family outside of the one my father was born into. He told me very quietly that he’d had children with the other woman. I’m so angry and upset by this I can hardly express it.

My first reaction was to say, “What the heck? What is wrong with you?” and he just said sadly, “I know, I shouldn’t have told you.” I don’t even know if his story is true or not — maybe he’s dreaming it, now he’s old.

I haven’t told my dad — his oldest son — because I worry he might freak out.

My grandmother is dead already, so thank God for that. I wonder if she knew. And what about the children in that other relationship? What should I do? I have a young family of my own, and I can’t imagine doing something horrible like that. Who do I go to? Who do I tell first, or do I tell anyone?

I used to look up to my grandfather. I keep hoping it’s just a crazy delusion he’s having about an old girlfriend, but what if it isn’t? What if there’s a whole other family out there?

— Confused and Worried Grandson, Winnipeg

Dear Worried Grandson: As the grandson, you should not carry this burden yourself. Your dad is the logical first person to tell, so he can get to the bottom of the story, if he doesn’t already know about it. If Grandpa is delusional, he needs help right away.

If his story is true, then there’s a chance your grandmother found out at some point years ago. It’s amazing the unhappy truths some people discover and keep secret to protect others.

Don’t continue carrying this burden in solitude! For all you know, your grandfather wanted this secret off his conscience before he left this planet, or else his memory is really jumbled and failing and he needs medical help and understanding.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My married friends always yack about “bringing back the romance” and I think they’re just in denial. Bit of background: I recently got divorced from my husband of 16 years. While he’s an OK guy, we just didn’t have anything physical going on between us anymore.

We tried the whole “bring back the romance” thing, and it never worked. That’s why, when I hear my girlfriends talking about how they are trying so desperately to bring back their love lives, I say, “Don’t waste your time!”

I can’t tell you how great my sex life has been since getting divorced! I’m eight months single, and I actually feel excited about sex again. That was a feeling I thought was long gone from my body. Just a tip, ladies: Right or wrong, getting free worked for me.

— Free and Loving It! West Kildonan

Dear Free: Sometimes it’s impossible to get over all the negative things you and your partner have done or said to each other — things that flipped your sexual connection switch to permanent “off.”

You might want to forgive and forget, but one or both of you just can’t light up sexually for the other anymore. Oddly enough, you can still be turned on by someone who’s totally new.

That’s someone who has never hurt you and has never shot you down in flames. In fact, they’re impressed by you and say admiring things that make you feel good and confident about yourself again.

Magically, it starts to dawn on you that you have a clean slate after all the disappointments and accusations in the old relationship. That clean slate turns out to be the ultimate turn-on.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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