Innocent or not, naked dip has you feeling exposed

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This article was published 17/11/2023 (1008 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Is it cheating if your girlfriend gets naked in a hot tub with a bunch of other people? My new girlfriend phoned me late last night after she got back home from a party and told me she and five other people were naked together in a hot tub after they had a bunch of drinks.

She said it was totally innocent with a nervous giggle. I felt my stomach churn in the way it always does when somebody starts spinning me a tall tale.

No doubt she was thinking some version of the night’s story might get back to me, as we know many of the same people. She was in a hot tub naked with two guys I know, as if that made it all right. Before I even commented, she said, “It’s not cheating, so don’t get jealous.”

Now I feel disrespected and like those two guys are probably laughing about seeing my girlfriend naked. She said there was no sex involved and I shouldn’t be a baby about it.

She also noted that people in Iceland have public baths together every day. I’m getting madder about it as time goes on. Am I the one being uncool?

— Doesn’t Feel Right! St. James

Dear Doesn’t Feel Right: A group of six people in a hot tub after a bunch of drinks is a lot more likely to get “chummier” than 20-50 naked neighbours in a community pool in Iceland. However, it is possible this little group might have been totally innocent, but the intimate situation of being naked after multiple drinks makes one wonder.

It’s likely your girlfriend wouldn’t feel so cool about this situation if you told her you were doing the same thing. In fact, you may be correct in thinking she may have felt compelled to mention the hot tub to you before it got back from someone else.

The bottom line? It may have been no big deal to her, but it is to you, so you and this new girlfriend may not be a perfect match.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been with my wife for 25 years and it’s at the point where she always says the exact opposite of what I say. I am so sick of it. Yet, when I complain to any guy, they just tell me that’s what it’s like being married for 25 years.

Well, I don’t want to live this way. She just tells me I’m wrong and spouts the polar opposite of what I said, or does the opposite of what I’ve suggested. She relishes telling me the way I do everything is wrong or stupid.

Why is she like this? I used to love her, but that feeling is starting to circle the drain. What should I do?

— Always Wrong, Transcona

Dear Always Wrong: Instead of arguing about each situation, it’s time to stop these conversations in their tracks. Say in a quiet but strong voice: “You’re doing it again — contradicting and correcting me.” Then ask her why it is she has to make you look like a fool who doesn’t know what he’s doing?

Also ask her if she’s trying to get you back for something — and if so, what? Is there something she does that you have corrected her on a lot? If so, you can both apologize and call a truce. If not, you can put her on notice that your marriage is in a shaky state and ask her what she wants to do to change that.

Tell her, “I’m willing to have a marriage counsellor as a referee and to help show us how to change this — are you?”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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