Only your acceptance can right things with daughter

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/04/2023 (1211 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was doing dishes and looking out the window recently, when something happened between my daughter and her girlfriend who dropped her off. When they were parting, they kissed each other on the lips and it was a lingering kiss, an embrace and then passionate necking. I was in shock! I had no idea.

I ran down to the basement to tell my husband, who was building something. Without skipping a beat, he said, “Oh, so now you know, too. Our daughter is a lesbian and she’s in love with her partner. She told me six months ago.”

I shouted, “Well, why didn’t she tell me?” and he said, “Because she thought you’d act like this!”

And then the fight just got worse. In fact, I cried on-and-off all night, over the old-fashioned wedding my daughter would never have, and the little grandchildren who may not look like us. Selfish, I know, but that’s what I was thinking at first. My husband has informed me there can still be a wedding, and there can still be grandkids. I guess he’s right, but I haven’t talked to my daughter yet — I can’t find the words.

I know her father has told her why I’ve gone so quiet. So now, she’s out a lot and is avoiding me. I can’t help it — I cry when I get upset. I don’t know what else to do.

— Crying Mother, Winnipeg

Dear Crying: Your silence is hurting your daughter badly. She feared this would be your reaction, and her worst nightmare has come true. Only you can make it end. Don’t lose your daughter over this. She really needs your love and acceptance, and that means talking to her, even if all you can say is, “I don’t know what to think or say except I love you, and I need your help to understand.” Then, listen for all you’re worth.

Also, contact the Rainbow Resource Centre (rainbowresourcecentre.org). They provide free, short-term counselling (up to 12 sessions) and also single-session consultations to LGBTTQ+ individuals, their partners and parents. Their new intake for counselling begins in six weeks, but you need to start talking with your daughter right away, before she can’t stand the strain any more and moves out, feeling rejected and broken-hearted.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I read your reply to “Angry About Being Guilted,” whose 20-something children are guilting her for dating — and she’d already waited eight years! You suggested she needs privacy now, and should assist any remaining kids in the nest to move out, so she can enjoy a real relationship with the man she’s dating.

This really struck a chord with me. I too was a young-ish widow, with my kids 10 and 12 years old when their father died. The difference? I didn’t wait until they were grown. I began dating about a year after my husband passed. I’ve since re-married, to a wonderful man who was also widowed. He knew he was taking on a partner with younger kids (he had none of his own) and was prepared for the challenges that came, as we all adjusted.

My advice to her? Tell her kids frankly that she devoted her life to raising them until they were adults, and now, it’s her life and her time, and they can butt out! They have their own lives; it’s time for her to have hers. They have no right to dictate to their mother how she should live her life. She needs to be firm, forceful and confident.

If she needs more reinforcement, I recommend she read up on Michelle Steinke-Baumgard, known as One Fit Widow, who blogs a lot about her own journey as a widow with young kids, new relationships and blended families. She inspired me a lot.

— Glad I Moved Forward, Manitoba

Dear Glad: “Angry About being Guilted” should know her anger and indignation is a sign she’s in the right. It’s too bad she waited eight long years to claim her right to a personal life for herself. No doubt she needed some time to adjust to her husband’s death, but after that, it was more a fear of upsetting the “kids.” Actually, 20-somethings are not kids anymore, although hers are acting as such.

Now, here’s an interesting little fact to consider: If teens and young adults break up with a guy or girl their parents have come to love, they don’t often feel guilty about it. Why? Because it was their personal life, and they just had to move on! Parents just have to get with the new program.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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