Naked truth isn’t much of an aphrodisiac

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/05/2023 (1250 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My recent ex-girlfriend wanted to get back with me, and I only wanted the good part back — the sex. When she came over, I told her just that.

I expected a slap from her, but no slap. In fact, she agreed the sex was the best part between us. Then she said I wasn’t much fun otherwise, and not great at conversation. Then we had sex. For the first time ever, it was not good — not at all. So what happened? She quickly went home, slamming my door. I don’t get what happened.

— Puzzled Boyfriend, Downtown

Dear Puzzled: She expressed her disrespect for you and your personality, and you felt diminished. You suddenly felt like a machine — not an adored boyfriend. Your body expressed how unwanted you suddenly felt.

This girlfriend won’t be back — she got her digs in — and it’s time for both of you to totally move on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My older brother is a no-show artist. He makes plans a week in advance, and then a day before we’re to meet, he cancels. This has been going on for a while now. The last time he cancelled, I vowed to myself not to make any more plans with him. But he’s just so much fun. What’s wrong with him?

— His Younger Brother, St. James

Dear Younger Brother: This brother can’t plan ahead. He’s proven that over and over. But it doesn’t mean you should cut off your brother off! Instead, put him on a “Drop in with food list.” And here’s how you train him: Pull up at his place when you’re pretty sure he’ll be home, bringing his favourite takeout food or coffee and a big box of doughnuts. If he’s not there, eat by yourself in his driveway, while calling him to rub it in.

Pretty soon he’ll start associating you with the food he likes best and not being there to enjoy it. Then start calling him a little ahead, for the food get-togethers. Now you’re in charge of planning, and all he has to do is bring his appetite. He can probably manage that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m sitting here with tears filling my eyes. I did and said something to a friend that I feel is unforgivable. She’s always complaining about being too heavy, and I finally lost it. I said, “Stop complaining! You eat enough for three people, and you’re always complaining. I can’t stand it anymore!”

I know this is an excuse, but I’ve been going through extreme stress and pain. Then I took it out on the person who has supported me the most. What is wrong with me? She’s the best friend I’ve have ever had. The sadness on her face after my inexcusable comment is burned into my mind. I’ve tried to call and apologize, but she’s blocked my number. What can I do to let her know I’m so sorry? Or, should I respect her not wanting me in her life anymore?

— Feeling the Pain, River Heights

Dear Feeling the Pain: “How can I miss you if you won’t go away?” is an old line that makes sense here. Stop begging, and give her time to think you’re really finished as her friend. Then she can start missing you. In three weeks, write her an apology in a short letter with a fancy card. People get so few letters these days, she will open it out of curiosity.

In your letter, don’t use what you’ve been going through in your own life as an excuse, or this plan will backfire. Just tell her you’re sorry you hurt her, and you really want to talk. That may seem like enough penance for her to take you back as a friend.

If you do get the friendship going again, it’s highly likely she won’t complain about her weight anymore. If she does, just say pleasantly, “Let’s talk about something else” and change the subject to something interesting. That should get you over the dangerous bump, and gently let her know to avoid the old complaints. To be fair, the other side of this deal is that you have to stop complaining about your own stress.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography