‘Therapist’ role just not sustainable for mate

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This article was published 03/05/2023 (1268 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I started dating a woman I suspect might have some deeper issues, because she’s driving me crazy with her sky-high reactions to things.

I really like her and we otherwise get along fantastically — and the sex is off the charts — but the smallest things seem to send her spiralling, whether it’s scratching someone’s bumper in a parking lot, her boss giving her feedback or talking to her wacky family members.

These things can be stressful, I get it, but her reactions are a lot more extreme than what I consider normal. She will spend the night obsessing, crying, getting mad and making life hell for me.

I try to sympathize and she just gets mad at me.

I really like this girl and things are otherwise great. How can I help her? I don’t want to break up with her, I just don’t think I can do this forever.

— Over-Reactor’s Tired Boyfriend, West Kildonan

Dear Tired: Some people with troubled partners get drawn in by the feeling of being a hero. Unfortunately, they get sick of holding the Kleenex box, and helping their new sweetheart stop crying and cheer up.

Your partner lets you know you’re a hero, but at what cost to your own life? The focus is rarely going to be on you in this relationship. Do you really want to be the at-home therapist for this person? Life should be about a lot of positive things and a few difficult things thrown in, not about constantly reacting to another adult’s upsets.

What happens if you commit to one another and start a family? Will you end up having an additional child to look after, in the form of your mate? It’s time to ask yourself why you’re involved in an unbalanced relationship where you’re constantly playing this comforting role. Can’t you see who’s really controlling things? It’s not you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend got into a lot of trouble with the law. His parents got him a lawyer and kept him out of jail. My parents told me not to have anything more to do with him.

I haven’t done a thing wrong! I admit he phones me all the time and they can’t stop that.

He puts my parents down, because he knows they don’t want me seeing him. I can’t blame him!

My dad said, “That guy could end up in jail one day, and how would you like to be a single mother with his children to raise?”

They have part of a point. I admit I’ve thought about that.

The rest of the point is “that guy” is hot-looking and funny, and he makes me laugh. Besides, we’re too young to get married and have children anyway.

I worry about him and the police though. He says he hates cops and he’s had some “run-ins” with the law. He’s never been in jail himself, though his brother has. What’s wrong with seeing him?

— Crazy About Him Anyway, Winnipeg

Dear Crazy About Him: The trouble with seeing someone you know doesn’t care about rules or the law is that he could get you in trouble too. Say he makes a drug deal to get some money to take you out, and you unknowingly take him to the location in your dad’s car. Unfortunately, that night the cops are onto your guy, and he gets caught. Then you’re in trouble too as the driver accomplice in a criminal offence.

Then there’s the sexual risks of being with a guy you adore. Because you think he’s so hot, he may be able to persuade you to have sex with him, promising he’ll “take care of things,” but you end up pregnant.

These are just two situations where this type of guy could be big mistake for you to date.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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