Don’t feel compelled to limit your romantic options

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/05/2023 (1244 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My love life is strange right now. I went from having no boyfriend to having two I’m seeing, and a third I’m talking to on the phone at night. He’s just sniffing around, but lots of fun!

I met the first two on chats, and had lunches and dinners with them, and I’ve even gone out to a movie with one. I’m not enamoured with either, but I’ve never had so many laughs!

The third guy is all about sex, and so far we’ve only interacted by phone. And (blush!) we’ve had a lot of phone sex. That guy is definitely single and is dying to meet me. Do I have to actually meet him? He keeps sending me his pictures and he’s a cutie, alright.

I think I like keeping it on the phone, but that might be insulting to tell him. What do you think about all this?

— Flirty Lady, St. Boniface

Dear Flirty Lady: Don’t take up too much of your phone-sex friend’s time, since he’s looking for someone real to date. As for the other guys, you don’t seem completely thrilled with either. Maybe you just need to be dating casually for a longer period. Or, maybe you do want a relationship, but the answer lies behind doors No. 4, 5, or 6.

Too many people rush to get into a big relationship and find a partner who isn’t exactly right, even though they’ll do in a pinch. This isn’t a pinch! You have time, so take it and look for a fantastic match, before you settle down in a long-term relationship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been feeling lost recently and “acting out” toward my co-workers without any real reason, causing them to avoid me as much as possible.

It’s been challenging working with people who are younger than me, who live on their own, travel frequently and have more exciting lives that I do! I feel I have to pretend to be happy all the time.

I’m not happy with the person I’m becoming. I’ve been dealing with negative emotions like rage, anger and jealousy, which are affecting my relationships with others. Moreover, I discovered that two close friends who moved away years ago visited the Winnipeg area last summer with partners or friends from elsewhere, but they didn’t tell me or contact me. This made me question if people are ashamed of me. I’ve always been supportive and encouraging to others, but it feels like I’m not getting the same support in return.

For the past 10 years, I’ve dedicated my life to helping others, and have neglected my own life. I have no relationships and still live alone. How can I regain my confidence and improve my situation?

— Feeling Ashamed, River Heights

Dear Feeling Ashamed: You’re disappointed these old friends didn’t make time to see you, but don’t automatically spiral into thinking they are “ashamed” of you. Remember, they came here with others and likely showed them around the city they used to live in. You’re not substandard because they didn’t call you, but maybe file them under “old friends, now distanced.”

Right now, you need to devote time to building yourself up physically and emotionally. See your physician first, for a full check-up to see if anything’s amiss that could be dragging you down physically or emotionally. Admit to the depression and ask for referrals for help dealing with it.

Then there’s the situation at work. Since the crowd there is young (and annoying), discreetly start looking for a different day job that interests you and mainly involves people your age or older. You really need new people you like and respect to befriend now.

But here’s good news, even if you can’t find another job, you’re naturally a helpful type, and you can start friend-making by volunteering.

Here are a few great options: Habitat for Humanity draws a good-hearted crowd of adult volunteers to build houses for lower-income people; the Winnipeg Folk Festival is coming up in July, is fun to work at and needs volunteers of all ages; finally, the war in Ukraine has inspired many in Manitoba to come together to help the displaced now living here, or to collect and send much-needed goods to those still in Ukraine. Also, you’re not limited to volunteering for just one organization!

The point is to find people like you, of the right age, in a situation where you work together co-operatively and get to know one another other pretty quickly. Invite them out to coffee, lunch and for walks on breaks — be social wherever you get involved. People enjoy making new friends, and that works in your favour, if you start the conversation.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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