Let call-out over past bullying inspire empathy

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/05/2023 (1259 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I saw a classy-looking man in his 30s at the grocery store recently. He kept staring, and finally spoke my first name. He asked if I was ever in school in a certain teacher’s class. I said yes!

Then he said quietly, “So was I. Bet you can’t guess who I am.” I looked at him — a well-dressed businessman in a suit with a fancy ring and a watch — and I said, “Look, I’m not good at guessing games!

He said, “Fine then,” and told me his name. I almost fell over! This was the kid who was least likely to succeed in my school, and there he stood, looking like a million bucks. I was in old grey sweatpants and a T-shirt. He saw the shocked look on my face.

I almost blurted out, “How did you get to this point?” I just got out one word, “How?” and he said quietly, “Wouldn’t you like to know!” and he walked away.

Miss L., I guess I don’t blame him! I remembered I was very mean to him when we were in grade school. In fact, I had names for him and helped people harass him, ganging up at recess.

He made me feel like dirt in that store, and I’m having a hard time getting past this. In fact, it’s really bugging me. I haven’t told anybody I know from school about seeing him. I looked him up online and he’s a big executive in a company in Winnipeg. How can I get this out of my head, and let it go? I feel bad now about how mean I was to him.

— Guilted by Old Ghost, Bridgwater

Dear Guilted: It’s a shocking experience when folks you haven’t treated well in the past catch up with you as an adult, and cut you down. This man got some satisfaction out of it. Let him enjoy that.

There’s nothing much you can do to fix this now, except to learn from it, and pass the lesson on to any children you have. Make sure they don’t repeat the cruelty you and your buddies showered on this poor guy years ago. Admit how mean you and your pals were back then. There’s little or nothing you can do later to make up for belittling grade-school behaviour.

Stress to your kids that they have to be kind, and not judge classmates as losers and mistreat or shun them. Some kids are growing in terrible situations they can’t escape, and should be treated with empathy, not derision.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just rented a cabin at my favourite beach, with three of my girlfriends, for a whole month this summer. I had my first real job this year, and lived at home and saved up all my money. I spread the word as soon as I paid for the rental — except not to my boyfriend!

The news spread like wildfire, and he found out within an hour. He came storming over to my workplace and demanded I answer one question: “Am I part of this?” I said, “Uh, well, no!” Then he asked me if I was taking another guy up there, and I said, “Nope, I just want to be there with my girlfriends!” “All month?” he then asked. I just nodded. Then he said, “You get your wish, sweetheart!” and dumped me.

Why should I have to pay such a big price to go to the lake with my girlfriends? They’re my besties from way back, and we’re finally old enough to have some fun on our own. I was not looking to cheat on him. In fact, it’s not about him!

— Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, St. Boniface

Dear Girls Just Wanna: It certainly isn’t about this boyfriend, if you don’t care to see his face for a whole month. So you’ll have to accept the fact he was right to punt you. Then start planning what you’re going to do at the lake — which has become your new love for the summer of 2023.

Also decide what you’re going to do when you run into your ex this summer. Out of curiosity, your new ex will probably show up with his pals at least once, and he won’t come alone. He’ll be with his buddies, their ladies and his new girlfriend — even if she’s a stand-in!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography