Urban allure complicates future farm life together

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This article was published 15/05/2023 (1208 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We live on a farm, about a half hour outside the city. I love it here, but my wife hates it now. She thought it was so cool a year ago that she was “marrying a farmer.” She used to love telling city people, and shocking them. I thought it was cute.

She didn’t realize she was going to be bored stiff being a farmer’s wife. In fact, she’s been spending way too many overnights in the city lately, and I wonder if she’s really staying at her girlfriends’ homes. She just deals with me by phone.

Here’s the bigger problem: This was not just a romance for me at age 34. It was the beginning of my lifelong marriage and the beginning of my family. Sadly, I don’t see my wife lasting with me on the farm. I refuse to have a baby with her unless our relationship is solid. The problem is, I love my wife’s personality, but I fear she was just rebelling against her city parents and friends. It hurts to be last year’s excitement, and 12 months later just a drag on her life. What now?

— Breaking My Heart, Manitoba

Dear Breaking: When people from opposite worlds and lifestyles are attracted to each other, the initial response is excitement and the great joy of new discoveries. Just like being on a trip to a country for the first time, both people are discovering new ways of living. But, after a while they often grow tired and want to “go home” to the familiar lifestyles they love and understand.

You’re right not to try to “fix” the relationship by going ahead and having kids. If you break up, heal up and find a different woman to love who shares your love of country life, you will be much more secure.

You’re only about a year into this marriage, so if you’re sure it’s not going to work, have the Big Talk before there’s a pregnancy. That may sound cold, but there’s nothing colder than losing your wife and new baby through the stress of a looming divorce.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When my 18-year-old step daughter moved in, she bought a huge box of chocolates, and left them on my special chair in the dining room. I went to her and said, “Thank you so much for the chocolates!” She replied, “They’re not just for you, they’re for everyone!”

I left the conversation feeling embarrassed — and now she’s done it again! This time she left a big, showy plant in the living room. I wasn’t about to fall for the gift thing another time, so I asked my husband to speak to her about how she should acknowledge the person she’s giving the gift to. He told me I was making a big deal out of nothing! I told him, “If she were a child, I could understand her not knowing, but when you’re an adult, it’s just wrong to make people guess.”

She’s always done no wrong in her father’s eyes, and she knows this. Am I making something out of nothing? Or am I right, and she’s trying to create some tension?

— Feeling Manipulated, River Heights

Dear Manipulated: Sometimes older children enjoy putting their parents or step-parents in a spot. The get enjoyment out of making them feel awkward, just like they’ve felt when they did something rude, and got corrected by parents.

The chocolates may not have been about that, but the new plant seems like a conscious “plant.” Since it didn’t have a ribbon or a card, you can cheerfully ignore it. If you come upon this situation a third time, say innocently to your step daughter, “Is the big object in the living room a gift for everybody?” and suss out the intended receiver, quickly.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife has a girlfriend who winks at me when my wife’s not looking. This girlfriend knows I’m shy, and likes to tease me. Should I just wink back?

— Tempted, North Kildonan

Dear Tempted: Returning a wink sends the wrong message. Instead, say, “Got something in your eye?” and laugh. That shines a spotlight on her attempt to flirt or unsettle you, and shows her you’re not interested. It’s not necessary to upset your wife by telling her.

By the way, did you know married women and men often deal with unwanted flirting more than they say? Smart people deal with it, and quickly forget it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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