Ideal mate needs the city in his heart to win yours

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/04/2023 (1252 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend comes from a progressive farming background, and he studied agriculture at university. He graduated and got an excellent job in his field, here in the city. Yay! Rainbows and a future! I thought he was happy, and he knows how much I love him — and living in the city.

Little did I know, he was looking for a job in the country behind my back for the last six months! He finally found one, and sheepishly told me. I had tears welling up in my eyes. I love him deeply.

I shocked him (and myself) by tentatively suggesting I would try to find work out there in the boonies. He said “No way!” much too abruptly. Yesterday, I found out he has been in contact with a girl he knew in high school out there. “So how long has something been going on?” I asked him, and he blushed. Caught! Now what do I do?

— Broken-Hearted, Elmwood

Dear Broken: A person who takes up residence far away from their culture, family, working style and friends may not be thrilled forever with a mate who loves a different way of life.

Yes, it’s really hurting you now to be rejected, but when you find a man who loves your whole personality and an urban lifestyle, your life will be easier. Then you don’t need to put pressure on your mate to be everything to you.

Your task now is to find a guy who loves the true you and wants to share an urban lifestyle for a long-lasting life match. Of course, you’re going to mourn for a time. But rather than stressing for too long, try to relax and enjoy being more of the city woman you really are, with no apologies. In the long run it’s often true that “like attracts like.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My neighbour’s wife, who knows I’m a stay-at-home dad, has been dropping in on pathetic pretences in the afternoon. My wife works in a busy job to support us, and doesn’t come home until 6 p.m. This neighbour came over three times this week — leaving her little kids in the house.

Yesterday I lost my cool, and said, “I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but I don’t want you here visiting me. For one thing, it’s unsafe leaving small children at home unattended. I’m going to mention this to your husband.” She couldn’t get out of the door fast enough.

When my wife got home, I told her about the neighbour leaving her kids unattended and sending her home (I didn’t mention my suspicion she was flirting), and she said, surprisingly, “Poor woman. You shouldn’t have been so rough on her. She’s lonely and probably depressed.” That’s not the real problem! I know when a woman’s got the hots for me. Do you think I overreacted?

— Not My Fault, Norwood

Dear Not My Fault: In a quiet voice, tell your wife the information you withheld, about suspecting the neighbour has the hots for you. Had you told the whole story in the first place, she wouldn’t have given you such a hard time.

As for the kids being left alone, you should mention it to the husband. That’s a reckless thing to do with little ones. There needs to be a babysitter if a parent is going to leave.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Recently my stepdaughter has been coming back from visits with her mother acting distant and short-tempered. This mood may last a few hours, or a few days.

I brought this up with her dad, and he said, “I haven’t noticed anything different.” Then he accused me of being jealous of the relationship his daughter has with her “real” mother!

Why would he say such a thing? I have happily given my best, for many years, to help mother this mixed-up girl. I’m deeply upset this was his nasty response to my concerns. What should I do?

— Kind and Caring Stepmom, Bridgwater

Dear Stepmom: Your husband needs to think everything’s hunky-dory over at his ex’s house. Why? Any hint that it’s not makes him feel responsible, and he feels divorced-dad guilt.

So what can you do? Even when your stepdaughter complains about her mom, your job is just to listen and make “mmm-hmm” noises — not to join in calling the girl’s birth mom down.

You might suggest a small coping mechanism or two, but even be careful with that. Saying evenly, “I appreciate it can be tough,” can be enough to let your stepdaughter feel heard and understood.

You might even venture to say you’ve noticed she’s been feeling sad after recent visits to her mom’s house, but be careful asking if there’s any way you could help. Your stepdaughter might say, “Yeah! Move out, and let my real mom and dad get back together!”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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