Break your cycle of summer trouble now

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This article was published 24/06/2025 (443 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex-wife is a martini-swilling, high-functioning, unrepentant alcoholic. Sadly for me, she’s still beautiful and funny, and deep down I’ll always love her. I’m still attracted to her sexiness and her laugh, which always sucks me back in.

But then everything goes badly between us when summer party time is over in the fall, and I get very serious with my job, which requires me to function 10 months a year at a high level. I’m not an alcoholic myself, just a summer drinker. I’d managed to stay away from her from last fall until recently, even with no other steady girlfriend, but it’s pool season — my favourite time of year — and my ex knows it.

So, she got up to her old tricks a couple days ago, and just “happened” to cruise down my street, just when I was mowing the front yard before dinner. She knows when to catch me. “Come over to my place, darling!” she yelled. “The pool’s open and you don’t need a suit. Jump in my car. I can barbecue us some steaks.” So I went, knowing full well what was on the menu — me.

I feel like I’m powerless now, and I’ll get sucked in again. What can I do so I don’t suffer in hell all next fall and then have to see a therapist again?

— Addicted to Trouble, Winnipeg

Dear Addicted: People often dismiss alcoholics in their minds as unattractive people, when the truth is they come in all kinds. The intelligent and fun people — like this woman you still love — are one of the hardest types of alcoholics to let go of. The best answer is for you to find a vivacious non-drinking woman. They do exist, but you need to stay sober to match up with one.

So why not enlist a therapist or psychologist before you actually get more deeply involved with your problematic ex? The immediate goal is to replace this wild woman with sober new friends through organizations like Al-Anon. These are non-drinkers who are friends and relatives of alcoholics, sharing support with each other. These people could bring a new supply of good new friends to you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It’s time to go back to the lake and I’m both excited and worried after the wildfires. I can’t sleep properly and working on my lake property is still a bit scary for my wife and me. We’re young parents with pre-teen children.

Even though our cottage wasn’t destroyed by the fires, there’s a lot of damage around and there was a ton of smoke. It still doesn’t look or smell fresh and green like it does most months of June, and it’s a bit spooky.

— Nervous Parents, Whiteshell

Dear Nervous Parents: You need renewal, and the freedom to express your emotions. It will work out faster if you don’t have to watch everything you say. So it might be easier without the kids around at first as you and your wife work through your fears and anxiety at the cottage.

Could you leave the kids with in-town grandparents for a couple weekends to allow you and your spouse process the fire aftermath, while you’re working on your lake property? Maybe even turn some sod and plant a “garden of resilience,” for when your kids can make it out to the lake again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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