Get close to put fishy behaviour to smell test

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This article was published 18/09/2024 (698 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is a calm person — but now he’s suspiciously quiet, since he got his new job. Before that, he used to come home all hopped-up about work, or nervous, or angry — or even happy! Now, he’s just flat, but one weird thing he does is change his shirt the moment he gets home, for seemingly no reason!

His office job doesn’t make him sweaty and dirty. Then he pats me on the back, eats dinner, doesn’t talk much and then goes for a very long nap. (He also insists on doing his own laundry these days — he even has a separate laundry bag.)

I’m almost ready to go to bed when he wakes up again. Then he talks with me for maybe five minutes, watches the news, goes to bed with me and nothing happens. No conversation and no sex in seven weeks! He’s just fast asleep again until morning. I don’t get it. His job isn’t that strenuous.

I think he might be having a lunch-hour affair or worse. What do you think is happening?

— Totally Confused, The Maples

Dear Confused: It sounds like your husband is afraid of smelling like something or someone he shouldn’t be “doing.” That might mean drugs that involve smoke, or a new sex partner who has a strong scent.

Next time he comes through the door, wrap your arms around him in a surprise hug and inhale his shirt deeply. If he pushes away to do his daily dump-the-work-shirt routine, let him. But when he’s in the shower, sniff-test that shirt.

Then, tell him he’ll have to postpone his evening sleep because you need to have a talk. Mention everything you’ve noticed, and ask him what’s going on that’s made him so secretive and distant. Also ask him bluntly why he’s ready to pass out when he gets home.

If he won’t say anything and the silence becomes unbearable, ask your most important questions: “Why are you hiding your work clothes when you come home? Why do you go straight to the shower and then to sleep? Are you tired from work, or drugs or both? Why do you not talk to me or make love with me anymore?”

And finally, ask the big one: “Is there another lover in your life? If so, who is she… or he?”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wacky ex-girlfriend just showed up like a ghost at the University of Manitoba. I spotted her walking across campus. We had agreed the only way we could be rid of our unhealthy relationship was for her to go back home to Toronto, to finish school there. So, she went home last spring, to stay — supposedly. But, here she was back again, large as life.

I ran over, and said, “What the heck are you doing here? I thought we had a deal and you were gone!” She said in a voice like ice, “Get your hands off me. You don’t own this place.”

Miss L., I almost lost my year, because she drove me crazy and I couldn’t study half the time. She’s a liar and a cheater, and she’s been violent towards me. I’ve never struck her!

Plus, she knows every way to twist my brain around. I know I can’t kick her off campus and throw her on an airplane back home, but I want to do exactly that. What can I do? I can’t afford to quit school in my final year. Help me!

— Seeing a Ghost, Fort Garry

Dear Seeing a Ghost: The good news? Your ex doesn’t seem happy to see you, either. She may just want “her” university back. Since you know what faculty she’s in, and where she hangs out, keep your distance. Take different routes to classes, for a time.

If she comes after you for “one last conversation” tell her you’re finished and will block every way for her to get at you, even if that means involving the law to force her to keep her distance.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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