Face it, only ‘Champion Boob’ here is you

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/09/2024 (692 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My recent new girlfriend has one breast considerably bigger than the other, and I thought we’d grown close enough to make affectionate little jokes about such things. So, last weekend I dubbed it “Champion Boob” or simply “Champ.”

I thought it was a cute little joke — but she didn’t. She took a deep breath, and said firmly, “So what does that make the other one — “Loser?” I knew I was in trouble, then.

The thing is, my deceased wife and I could joke about little things to do with our bodies, and it was always just fun! Human bodies are pretty silly-looking, after all. Don’t you think my new girlfriend is over-reacting?

— Innocent Joker, St. Boniface

Dear Joker: First, “over-reacting” is a not a great way to dismiss a person who’s seriously upset. Bottom line? You kicked your new girlfriend in the confidence!

It should have been her choice to make fun of her differently-sized breasts if she wanted to, not yours. How would you like it if she came up with nicknames for your body parts, particularly ones often judged by size?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We had no idea our mother was involved in a long-term affair until a certain married couple we know from our cottage — where we went for entire summers — suddenly announced in June they were divorcing. Then my parents, who never really got along very well, suddenly broke up just one month later, instigated by my mother. What was happening?

Now, at the end of this cottage season, the mystery is resolving in a strange way, and I’m more and more shocked. My mother and this divorcing lake guy, quickly got together as a couple — just like that!

When I suspiciously asked how long they’d been seeing each other, my mother said, “That’s none of your business.” She then totally lost it and said, “Your dad was no angel at the lake, himself! We just stayed together for the sake of you kids.”

I yelled, “Stop — too much information!” I got the hint, but how much more do I need to know about what my parents got up to with other adults at the lake, over who knows how many years?

Sadly, I spend way too much time now wondering how long my mom was involved with this guy, and it’s driving me nuts. Do I need to ask my mother for the whole ugly truth so I can face it, or would that just make it worse?

— Shocked, St. James

Dear Shocked: Would you have had a better childhood if you knew the truth about what was going on with the sneaky adults at the lake? Definitely not! Do you need all the details now? No, you don’t. Mom can keep them to herself, and you should tell her that.

You have the truth of the general situation, and that’s more than enough to deal with. Now, consider taking this emotional mess to a counsellor/psychologist and working through the after effects, so this revelation doesn’t upset you for life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My high-school girlfriend and I were employed at the same big hardware store this summer and have fallen deeply in love. I want to suggest to her we both apply right away to the same university for next year, and live in the same residence. My girlfriend is balking for no obvious reason. Talk about negativity! What do you think?

— One Year Left, southern Manitoba

Dear One Year: The big hitch here is the possibility of a breakup — like in your last year of high school, the summer to follow or your first year of university. If that should happen, you might not want to be stuck in that same college residence and have to continue looking at one another every day. That’s why it’s usually safer to live in different residences on the same campus.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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