There’s no romantic reward without a little risk

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This article was published 25/09/2024 (765 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was walking out of my divorce lawyer’s office downtown when I ran into my old boyfriend from high school. “Fancy meeting you here,” I said, and he just laughed. He’s an engineer and works downtown. He asked me to go for lunch, so I did.

We were squeezed for time, so we were quickly open. He said he had lived with one girlfriend for a long time, but she wouldn’t commit and then suddenly dumped him.

I told him the Coles Notes version of my marriage, which didn’t really take after the wedding, plus there were no kids. My ex-husband didn’t want any, but I thought he’d eventually grow out of that. He didn’t.

Then I took a deep breath and said, “I’m free as a bird these days and I don’t know if I like it.”

He said there was nothing wrong with freedom, but he was looking for a long-term relationship and wanted to have kids. I smiled, but didn’t say anything for a few minutes. That actually sounded good.

Then he asked me for all my contact info as he had to run back to work. I had taken the afternoon off and felt so excited, I went out and bought some new clothes.

He called that night, and we went out for drinks. We’ve been seeing each ever since. Then last night, after making love, he asked why I didn’t tell him I was cheating on him in high school.

I jumped out of bed and asked who told him that lie! He said it was my sister (she was a troublemaker when we were younger). Suddenly my old romantic history made much more sense.

I’m very excited, but also scared. What if one of us finds it isn’t working between us again? Won’t that just be doubly hurtful and embarrassing? How can we handle this second romance and minimize the risk?

— Scared of Losing Him, Westwood

Dear Scared of Losing: You simply have to take some risks in the realm of love and romance. It would be best not to dwell on the teenage relationship when you were two inexperienced kids. It seems you found out the missing element in your young love life was relating openly and honestly. You can do that now, so barrel ahead and hope for the best.

Also, have a talk with your sister and ask why she told him you were cheating on him when you weren’t. Do you still get along?

Life doesn’t hand lovers guarantees, even if they had an initial relationship together way back when. Most early relationships burn out because kids are too young to be making serious adult relationships work. Plus, young people need a chance to be free and meet a variety of people.

It will actually be a big bonus now that you two are older and have grown up. Good luck.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in a very upsetting situation. I found a sex-related buzzing thing, black stripper-esque stockings and orange-and-black lace panties in a bag under the seat of my husband’s second car when he was at work.

I also unloaded some bags of kinky-looking Halloween costumes out of the trunk. He already knows I won’t wear that stuff and then have sex with him after last year’s arguments at Halloween.

Still, he obviously went costume shopping early on his own, and I think he may have ventured into a sex shop as well. But could this stuff possibly be meant for some other woman? I finally phoned him and asked him to come right home from work, saying there was an emergency.

When he got home, I silently pointed at the bags of evidence.

He said nothing. He was just mad that I called him away from work. Today he’s relenting a little. I still feel he’s disgusted by me when it should be the other way around. What do you think?

— Feeling the Chill, southeastern Manitoba

Dear Feeling the Chill: Halloween encourages some people who are actually turned on by dressing in costumes to openly indulge their interest. They may love their primary sex partner, but want variety in their sex lives — and changes of costuming can help them feel that.

If you find sexy Halloween dressing-up “icky,” you can’t really pretend. But it might be wise to allow your husband to enjoy Halloween without putting him down — providing it’s not involving someone else.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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