Son’s degree choice down to maturing, not rebelling

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This article was published 22/11/2024 (632 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My son has been going to university in Ontario for several years. It never dawned on me to distrust him in regard to anything. This should be his third and graduating year for an arts degree with a history major.

But to my shock and disbelief, I just found out today he has quit attending all his classes. He wrote to say he couldn’t stomach them anymore, that he never wanted to be a history teacher like me and offered to send me back the tuition paid this fall as soon as he makes enough money to do so.

I’m a single mom and flabbergasted. He’s been working at a steak house and just mailed me a cheque for $500 as his first repayment to me, so he must be serious — or just trying to shut me up.

He’s only in his early 20s and can’t possibly know his own mind yet. Is he just rebelling?

How can I convince him he’s making a big mistake? I was sure studying history would be perfect for him. He always loved it in high school and got all As. What’s going on in his head now?

— Shocked Mom, southeastern Manitoba

Dear Shocked Mom: Your young man has grown up without your permission — and more than you realize. It often happens when our kids are turning 18 or 19 and away from home at least a year.

It comes as a shock to their parents, especially if the grown children are living far away, as they don’t see the gradual changes coming.

Don’t make your son feel so guilty for maturing that he comes home out of guilt, feeling beaten.

He’s not rebelling against you personally. He’s just come to know his own mind and what he truly likes and wants, rather than what he always thought he should like and want to please you.

He may always love history, as you do, but it will be a hobby and not the basis of his life’s work. Let that be enough and preserve the friendship for life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: For two years I’ve been working in a high-stress retail business for an older guy I call the Slippery Fox.

He would regularly flirt heavily with me and then laugh out loud and remind me he is married. Eventually, though, I came to find him somewhat charming and we began an affair.

He offered me a term job for the whole summer working in a smaller store in his company’s chain. I was so stressed financially (rent and bills piling up) that I took his offer to get afloat.

That term job is now over and he has offered me six more months of work in Winnipeg. Our relationship has become dinners followed by sex in a hotel. The rest of the week, I’m staying for free with a girlfriend, who is getting sick of me. I’m feeling desperate.

What can I do? Nothing’s changed, except I have a line on a new job in my brother-in-law’s boring business.

— So Anxious, Osborne Village

Dear Anxious: People like the Slippery Fox, who may have done a fair bit of cheating, are practised in the ways of ending affairs. For instance, they know the last thing they need is an angry side-partner like you who gets incriminating information back to their spouse.

Here’s how to peacefully free yourself from feeling like a partially kept woman: First, call your brother-in-law and accept the job. Then start looking for other jobs you would enjoy more. Also be on the lookout for an apartment and a different buddy with whom to share rent and bills.

You’ll soon feel a lot freer and be able to breathe easier again. You’ll be busy making money and new friends, and have neither the time nor the desire to see that slippery old fox again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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