Be there for adult daughter, but don’t barge in

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/11/2024 (662 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My 20-year-old daughter worked all summer in sales at a clothing store and did a great job, but at the same time she got really secretive about her social life.

First, she moved out of our house and in with a girlfriend. Then we heard from her 17-year-old brother (the volunteer spy) that she’d found an older guy for a boyfriend. Our son thinks he’s older than his sister by as much as eight or 10 years. She certainly hasn’t introduced us to him.

Now I hear the guy has two daughters and is no longer living with his wife. Should we be thankful for that, or even more worried? My alarm bells keep going off. No doubt my daughter is heading for trouble.

What if she gets pregnant by this guy? We already know he can reproduce. What if he’s abusive? Please tell me what we can do to help her?

— Worried Sick, St. Boniface

Dear Worried Sick: Trying to convince adults to break up with someone you, as a parent, don’t think is suitable is pretty much impossible. In fact, it can push the couple closer together.

Sometimes you have to pledge your love, let them go and tell them that’s what you’re doing. Just say, “I’m going to give you all the space you want. If you need me, please call any time of the day or night. I’ll be here to listen.” That leaves the door wide open, and one day or night they may walk through your door — or more likely call you privately.

Your daughter probably won’t respond right away to your open invitation, but if your words are believable and sink in, she’ll call you when she needs you.

In the meantime, open the door to conversation casually by taking your daughter out to do errands. That does not mean taking her out for poorly disguised counselling sessions over a lunch she’ll choke on.

Finally, you need to be open to meeting your daughter’s new man who might actually be good guy in a difficult situation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just ran into a girl I had a terrible crush on in middle school. I was so shy I could barely talk to her back then.

Fast forward to this month, and we were at an old-fashioned all-you-can-drink business lunch and afternoon party put on by her employer. It was her task to get a big order out of me. She certainly did.

Here’s how it went down: we were imbibing and started dickering back and forth about the order all afternoon. Then the event came to an end.

Imagine my shock and amazement when she phoned me at about 10 p.m. and asked me to join her for “a late dinner.”

Well, I’m a gentleman, but let me say I got up fast and it was a date worth showering for.

The next step was for me to ask her out — but I haven’t. I’m craving more of her, but she hasn’t called me in a week for a new order or for anything at all. Time is just crawling by. Should I have been calling her? Am I going to lose this beautiful woman by being too shy again?

— Shy Guy, St. Norbert

Dear Shy Guy: Yes, call her. It’s your move. She initiated things, but it’s natural to wait to see if you are going to return the volley. She may be waiting, and the longer she waits the worse it will feel. She may have made the first bold move, but is not willing to make the second and third — especially if they’re not reciprocated in good time.

There’s nothing wrong with showing some initiative with a woman who obviously finds you attractive. There’s nothing wimpy about calling her back in good time, despite what pop culture has dictated for decades.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography