Don’t let your heart be bullied over desire for sex

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/11/2024 (712 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m 16 and deeply “in like” with my boyfriend who’s 19. He’s trying hard to convince me I’m really “in love,” too, because he wants to have sex.

He knows that’s what it would take for me to agree to make love with him. I’ve told him I would have to be in love with him for life. He just laughs and says that nobody can promise forever, but he’s definitely in love with me right now.

He’s had sex with girlfriends before and tells me it’s fantastic and out of this world and other stuff like that.

Do you think he tells me he really needs to have sex with me because he wants to be able to say he was my first? The truth is, I’m scared of sex. My best friend is 17 and she’s had sex and said it hurt her a lot and wasn’t worth it. Then her period was late, and for two weeks she was worried sick she might be pregnant. Luckily, she’s OK. She broke up with that guy.

Otherwise, my boyfriend is really sweet and I don’t want to lose him. What do you think?

— Not Convinced, East Kildonan

Dear Not Convinced: There are guys who think the ticket to having sex with a girl is to tell them they love her — as if those words are the key to unlocking her “door.” Be aware that any guy who “wants what he wants” and tries to push his girlfriend into intercourse by saying “I love you” doesn’t care enough about her feelings.

The truth is, people can certainly satisfy each other without penetration and still have orgasms. For now, you two could do things with each other aside from intercourse, or even individually satisfy yourselves or employ erotic toys to bring on orgasms without risking pregnancy.

But be warned, this individualized strategy can lead to wanting the real thing, and badly. Therefore, using birth control is a must right from the start if you do decide to have sex.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to the zoo today with a new date. He was showing off to me by attracting the animals with a variety of convincing animal noises. I was amazed. Then, he said he would like to work at a zoo. He could see I was becoming quite impressed, so he took a breath and told me his family, back in the old country, actually owned a travelling zoo. It became kind of unbelievable at that point. I started to sense he was manufacturing a big tale. It became uncomfortable as he went on and on. I couldn’t speak. I wanted to get the heck out of there, but that seemed rude. Finally, I went totally quiet, and he took me home in silence. The ride felt like it took forever. What should I have done differently?— Weird Date, St. James

Dear Weird Date: The minute you start suspecting someone is spinning you an unbelievable yarn on a date, feel free to smile or laugh and quickly say, “That’s quite the story.” Then change the topic entirely.

Give it a few minutes and if the situation still feels weird and awkward, make a big deal out of checking your phone for messages. Then come up with a problem at home or with work and run off to a neighbouring sidewalk to call a cab or book a ride.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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