Surprise sibling stirs up plenty of feelings

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This article was published 25/11/2024 (657 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A guy came to our door this week looking for my husband. He looked just like my guy — almost like a twin. I walked out on the steps, staring at him. I said jokingly, “Hello. Who are you — my husband’s long-lost cousin?”

He just asked if he could sit down. Then he said, “I’m actually your husband’s older brother. He’s never known about me.” My jaw dropped.

He told me their mother got pregnant with him at 14 and her parents sent her to a home for unwed mothers. After she gave birth, he was adopted.

I asked if the birth father knew about this, and he said yes and, of course, he was a teenager at the time, too.

Then he told me about his long journey to put it all together.

The teenage couple stayed together through the rough times, got married a few years later and had a second baby — my husband — and they were able to keep him.

That did it. We sat down and talked for several hours. I took some photos of my new brother-in-law before he left. I told my husband every single thing once he got home. He drove directly to his parents, who couldn’t deny it. They confessed they had to give away their first baby because they were just too young at the time.

My husband is extremely angry and upset at his parents for denying him even the basic knowledge of his brother’s existence.

How can I help out in this painful mess?

— Upset for Everybody, southern Manitoba

Dear Upset: First, deal with the tidal wave of emotions coming from your husband, who is feeling deeply hurt and robbed of a brother close to his age.

It may have a kind of separated-twin feeling for him when they look at each other, even though they were born a few years apart.

Then there are your man’s guilt-ridden parents — who as teens conceived two boys — and were encouraged (or forced) to give up their first baby. Obviously, the young couple were in love, as they got married as soon as they could and had a second child, which may have helped reduce the feelings of loss, to some degree.

The anger your husband is experiencing now says a lot about how willing he feels to embrace and love his older brother.

Professional family therapy could speed up the healing in all your lives, and there’s no time to lose for everybody concerned in this situation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother just invited her boyfriend to move in with her and we’re all horrified.

She’s an older woman with considerable money since our dad died. The new guy is an older man who used to have a business, but shows no evidence of having much money, at least from what we can see so far.

My wife and I think he’s suspiciously polite. As the oldest of three adult kids, I was delegated to talk to my mom about the potential dangers of having this guy move in. I started to do so last night, but she shut me up fast.

We just want to protect her. Where do we go from here? She’s barely speaking to me.

— Nervous Son, North Kildonan

Dear Nervous: Think back on your own life. When you first introduced your wife to your mother, what did you want your mom’s reaction to be?

Certainly not questioning your ability to choose a good mate and then warning you that your girlfriend might be after you for something other than real love.

You and your siblings would be wise to back off the critical attitudes and start being more accepting. You could lose something far more valuable than potential money in a will — a happy relationship with your mom.

Also, if things don’t go well with this new guy, you don’t want your mom to be embarrassed and hide it from her disapproving children.

On the other hand, if things do go well, you’ll have gained a great new relative — a pleasant older man who loves your mom. That would be worth a lot to your peace of mind.

So, suggest to the siblings that you make solid plans for your own financial futures now and keep the relationship with your mom friendly, loving and warm — not about money or her new man.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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