You owe estranged adult child at least a meetup

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This article was published 26/09/2024 (740 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got a girl pregnant years ago when I was working for the summer in another province. That girlfriend told me to stay out of her baby’s life if I wasn’t going to stay and help raise the child. I didn’t love her, and told her that honestly. She told me to go back home and said she didn’t want “a stinking red cent” from me for support.

Rightly or wrongly, I never sent her any money, nor talked to her again.

Now that child is an adult, and she has done some testing and quizzed her mother, and has found out for certain my identity as her father. She wants me to be part of her life, as her bio-father.

I’ve only talked to her by phone, and she seems like a nice person. She’s in her 20s now, and seems very mature. I don’t think she’s after money, but long ago I did promise her mother to stay away from her. Do I owe it to her mother to keep that promise?

I’m an older, decent married man with a career now and I’d really like to meet this daughter and perhaps help her out in her life, if I can, maybe even monetarily. My sweet wife of many years is on board for that, too, as we don’t have kids together. What do you think?

— Strange Situation, southern Manitoba

Dear Strange Situation: Your biological adult child wants to talk to you — and that’s big. Luckily, it’s her business now that she’s an adult, and not so much her mother’s.

Her mother has no doubt given her some details of your story, and they may not be complimentary. At least meet and have a talk with your daughter — for the sake of both of you. It may be just one talk, or it may be the beginning of a deeper relationship.

Either way, you’ll have met and both of you will have been able to ask your important questions, and that in itself can help both of you. Your daughter needs to hear your defence, or your apology, about what went down in the beginning, and why there was a total separation. She also needs to hear what might be possible in a good relationship with you now.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My immature live-in boyfriend of 38 goes fall camping every weekend, at a favourite lake for him and his boating buddies. They drink and do drugs all weekend, barbecue big dinners and sleep it off in style in their fancy heated campers. They keep their boats going practically until freeze-up.

None of them have partners who’ll go out there with them anymore. They’re overgrown boys, totally into their motorcycles, boats, fishing, hunting and cursing. They can’t hang onto girlfriends, although some still have unhappy ones back in the city — losers like me, I guess?

I’m 28, and know I’m to blame for staying attached to someone who just throws crumbs at me and gets away with it.

I have a good career as a nurse, so what’s happened to me? I used to be so happy. What’s wrong? I do work long hours, but that shouldn’t be my excuse. How can I break free of this “man” and his lifestyle?

I admit I’m pretty scared of being alone since COVID. It’s as if it’s going to come back any day and I should hang onto whatever I have for company. So, why do I stay? I just realized after crying all last weekend that I want more.

Please help me climb out of this pit before winter comes, and swallows me up again. I’m alone in this three-bedroom house way too much. I don’t feel I can have people over when he’s around and scowling at them.

— Lonely and Blue, St. James

Dear Lonely and Blue: The only thing worse than no company is bad company that’s keeping your good company away.

It’s time you totally parted with this guy, and filled the house with interesting housemates — possibly nursing students? You could fill your home with medical chat, upbeat music, good conversation — and a return to a mood of happiness. That could really help with your loneliness and the COVID hangover.

No matter what happens, don’t make the mistake of looking for a new boyfriend, right away. Instead, look to repairing yourself and your lifestyle. Find a counsellor to help you improve your taste in men, as your ego has taken such a beating with this guy.

When you feel you’re back on more confident, self-loving ground (perhaps after Christmas), then it will be time to consider a new guy — one you can actually admire.

Mutual admiration should be part of any healthy love relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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