There can be many factors behind lagging libido

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This article was published 01/03/2024 (945 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I never thought I’d feel this way, but I no longer find my wife sexually attractive. We have lived a wonderful life together, and I still love her deeply, but I just don’t want to have sex with her.

When she’s naked in front of me, I don’t feel aroused, and I just can’t seem to get it back. I don’t hate or resent her. If anything, I resent myself for these feelings! She doesn’t say anything when she sees me looking at her, but looks back at me with big, sad eyes. What can I do to fix this?

— Losing it For Her, Sage Creek

Dear Losing It: Are you feeling critical of your wife’s body? Or are you maybe just not feeling very sexual these days? It may be you have come to find her bodily imperfections a turn-off, or it could be down to performance anxiety on your side. That’s one of the things that can cause one’s body to be unresponsive to a partner’s appearance.

Think back a bit. Were you OK making love to your wife when she was pregnant with a tummy, and not resembling a young hottie in a racy magazine? It may not be that type of body you need to set you in motion, sexually.

In some cultures, couples have their own bedrooms and only make love when both spouses want to — and then, only in the dark. That may seem “old world” but there’s a positive to it — it can mean much less pressure. Partners don’t have to worry about visual standards, so they just enjoy how warm and beautiful their partners’ bodies feel. They may steal a glance in the moonlight, which always makes people look more sensual.

Before you give up on ever feeling turned on to your wife again — and blaming it on her bodily imperfections — see what darkness, a little moonlight and sensual music could do for both of you. You might also see your doctor for about testing for erectile dysfunction, if there’s a chance that’s a problem. Lack of libido can also be caused by stress or mental health issues.

Just don’t tell your wife her body doesn’t turn you on as she’s gotten older. If you say that, you’re really finished and who knows what she’d fire back that might turn you off permanently. Plus, she might go find a man who desires her just the way she is.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just spent the first night making love with my newest male interest — and I got quite a shock! He has a moustache, so imagine how surprised I was when I discovered he shaves everywhere else, underarms, chest, his love zone — everything.

He think he looks hot. I think not. I don’t even shave my legs in the winter. He had the nerve to ask me, “Why not?”

He’s been phoning and messaging me ever since, but I’m not going to be into him unless he grows back his natural body hair. When I told him that, he just laughed a strange laugh — no real response yet. Now what?

— Alone Again? South St. Vital

Dear Alone Again: If you had even one other guy asking you out, you wouldn’t waste another date on this man or another thought. This man has zero interest in changing for you, and why should he? It’s bye-bye time for both of you.

Should you ask to be “just friends?” Probably not, unless you have lots of other things in common and can get over this bump.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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