Decisions of the heart not down to guilt, sense of duty

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This article was published 08/05/2023 (1271 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a problem I never expected to be experiencing in my 40s: I have two women I really care about, who both want to be in a relationship with me.

I married my high school sweetheart, but we had to divorce about five years ago. We have a son who lives with me, and I love him to bits. Recently, I started dating a woman who is great with my son, and has a much better career than my ex. Frankly, her mental health is a lot more stable.

My ex-wife, whom I loved for many years, suffered hard from postpartum depression and was verbally and physically abusive to me. I realize it was because of something she couldn’t control, but I couldn’t stay with her and take it, and the love was gone.

She’s undergone a lot of treatment and has “worked on herself,” and is now claiming she deserves another chance with me. I don’t know what to do.

My son would love to have his mom back in the house full-time, but my current girlfriend doesn’t deserve to be kicked to the curb. We’ve been together for four months, and I promised I was over my wife. I really care for the new lady, and we’re a great match, in many ways. Help!

— Dad in a Difficult Place, Winnipeg

Dear Dad: People who’ve been abusive to you, aren’t “owed” another chance, just because they’ve finally pulled their life together. Also, you aren’t expressing any desire from your side, to be back with your ex.

What’s coming out is a feeling of responsibility to your son. Of course, he’d like to have both parents under one roof, but your new girlfriend sounds like a better choice for your own personal life, and might end up being a great stepmom for your boy.

Of course, your son will see his birth mom for regular visits, but you don’t have to go back to her, out of a misplaced sense of duty.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend and I are big into fitness and are competitive athletes in our 20s. We met while taking some classes together.

Things were pretty great between us, until recently when he started taking some “stuff” to improve his weightlifting results. He hasn’t named the substance, though I have asked him several times, and I’m getting really annoyed.

His mood has changed and he gets mad at me almost every time we’re together. I often have to just “take” his anger and apologize, because he never will. If I don’t, he can hold a grudge for days!

I tried talking to him and he says I’m “imagining” things. I was worried about him taking anything extra in the first place. I hate this mess! Is this salvageable?

— Fitness Femme, St. Boniface

Dear Fitness Femme: Go back to trusting yourself. This guy is trying to gaslight you into doubting what you’re noticing and feeling about his behaviour changes.

Why are you holding onto a guy who’s ingesting a substance he won’t reveal? You’re also denying the changes in his mood and anger levels. Don’t bother trying to argue with him anymore, as it’s pointless. Give him a “whatever” response, and boogie!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This might sound stupid, but I’m dating a new guy, and we unfortunately have the same first name. At first it was funny, but now it’s really annoying. When someone calls my place and asks for me — even my family members — he grabs the phone and makes the same stupid joke about having the same name.

I’m so over his boring humour! But if I dumped a guy because of his name being the same as mine, would I be reaching a new level of shallowness?

— So Sick of Name Game, St. Vital

Dear Sick: A partner with a childish sense of humour was not destined to last long in your life. Get back into the social groove, and find someone with a different name — not difficult in a big city. As for disappointing this guy, don’t kid yourself. The same-name situation has been bugging him, too, hence the lame attempts at humour.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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