Don’t deny kids a bedtime bond with Gran

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother is coming to visit and our little kids want her to sleep in their bedroom, where there’s a double bed and a single. My husband thinks this idea is ridiculous and says grandma needs her sleep, but I disagree.

I remember sleeping with my grandma — who’s now with the angels — and she told us grandkids (two girls) some wonderful bedtime stories she made up herself. She even put our names into them, making us the stars of the stories.

The best part was getting into our pyjamas with our grandmother, who showed us the magic cord from the little thing that ran from her near-deaf ear down to the secret battery pocket hidden in the bra of her slip. It made her hear us better in the daytime. We thought, “Wow!”

Not surprisingly my own mother has inherited her mom’s fantastic storytelling talent and who knows what else she has to teach the kids when she’s alone with them? I want them to be close.

I also want my husband to stop being so negative. How do I hush him up so he doesn’t ruin things when the kids’ grandma gets here?

— Nervous, Fort Garry

Dear Nervous: Start working on your husband by telling him stories you remember from your bedtime banter, and also more about your mother and her younger life, so he feels more familiar with her.

You could also send your man out with your mom to do an errand or two without you, so they can talk privately and get to know each other better. That’s what builds real trust. Too often there’s too little of that if familial visits are short.

As for the sleeping arrangement, start the first night off with both you and the kids’ grandma there. Then you leave them and hang out with your husband until you’re sure everybody’s happily drifted off to sleep.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I don’t have to work to help support our household, as my husband has a great job, but my youngest child is starting school this fall and I feel kind of blubbery.

Today my husband asked me if I’ve considered going back to work this fall, and I broke down crying. I said we don’t need the money. He agreed, but thought maybe I would be bored when the kids are all at school.

I doubt if he really meant all he said. I think he just covets the considerable money I can bring in, so we can afford to buy a new house. I don’t want a bigger home — I just want to be close for my kids. Please advise, as I like staying home and just being “Big Mama” for them.

— Mom Conundrum, River Heights

Dear Mom Conundrum: See how it goes over the first couple months and then reconsider. Maybe the hours will feel too empty with all the children gone to school and you’ll actually crave a part-time job. If you can make even half of the old amount you used too, even that could help you to save for a bigger house. Then your husband will be happy, too.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We have new neighbours next door and the wife just happens to be a woman I once dated seriously. I saw the guy pull up, and then a woman who looked way too familiar jumped out, grabbed his hand and they hurried up the front steps.

The place is sold and the deed is done, so now how do I deal with this nervy ex next door? She’s a very pushy person and will soon invite us over. I don’t want us to be buddies or enemies, but she’s quite capable of both. It would be too much to expect a woman like her to mind her own business. Please help.

— Feeling Nervous, North End

Dear Nervous: Say a pleasant hello and goodbye, but don’t ask the couple over. If they invite you over, make a believable excuse not to go the first or second time. Let them settle in and let the snow fall and then be a little friendlier. Hopefully, they will be bored of you two by then.

If your next-door-ex finally asks you why you’ve been so cold to her, tell her you’ve moved on in an important way. Add that you hope she and her husband will be happy in their new home. Yes, that sounds like polite drivel from a greeting card, but it will help her keep her distance, and that’s what you need.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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