Not good bet to shoulder gambling issue alone

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We’re living a lie over at our house, but it’s holding the family together.

I know my husband is deeply into gambling. If it weren’t for my steady job I don’t know where the family would be! I insist on paying all of our bills. I also funnel some major cash off to my sister, in case my husband tries to tap into my accounts somehow when I’m out of the house.

He doesn’t know my passwords, since I keep changing them, but he sometimes shows up behind me when I’m online, like he’s dying to ask something.

I say, “What are you looking at? Stop looking over my shoulder!” Then he makes a lame joke and goes away.

I do love him, but it’s like loving a teenage boy. He doesn’t want to go to couple’s counselling with me, either. Please help!

— At My Wits’ End, River Heights

Dear Wits’ End: Before the love is completely drained away, it’s time to get help for you.

Contact gamblersanonymous.org for info on local help available, and also check out the Manitoba Addictions Helpline (mbaddictionhelp.ca), which offers links to help with problematic wagering.

The Gambling Helpline at 1-800-463-1554 provides help 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It’s a self-help group that can help people with a family member or friend who is having problems with gambling.

Then it’s not just you all alone fretting about scary changes in your relationship and what could happen next, money-wise. You’ll have help from experienced people who aren’t just guessing what to do, and you won’t feel alone with this all-consuming problem.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My former wife has moved back to town, looking like a changed person. She has lost the 50-plus pounds she put on when we were married and both miserable. I hear from a friend that when people congratulate her on that, she says she’s “no longer carrying someone else on her back” and that’d be me. I had a lower-paying job before, and she is still a secretary.

I have an excellent job now, with an opportunity to buy into the new company. I’d like to phone her and tell her off, letting her know I’ve heard the serious lies she’s telling people about me! They could harm my reputation and cost me work. But she’d probably spin that into my “losing it” on her and harassing her. What do you suggest?

— Angry Ex-Husband, Norwood

Dear Angry Husband: See a lawyer, who will probably suggest a sternly-worded legal letter first, regarding what she’s doing to smear your reputation and possibly cost you work opportunities — not to mention personal losses such as friendships and trust in the greater community. If that doesn’t stop the slander, take her to court. That will get her smear campaign stopped in a hurry.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hear my first love is single again! I’m excited because I’m single again too. I’d give anything to get him back again because he was a gem. We only broke up because we were teenagers and too young to get married. At the rate we were going — two pregnancy scares — we had to break up.

Should I just throw caution to the wind and phone him now? I know where he works, but what if he tells me to get lost or that he’s in love with someone else? Should I just ask him to meet me for a drink? Would dinner be too much? I’ve done some research and I know he’s between relationships right now. I’m so excited! Please help.

— Second Chance? St. Boniface

Dear Second Chance: Why not just call your first love? You’ll hate yourself if you chicken out and then find out later he would have loved to get together again. If it doesn’t go well, then at least you tried. There’d be nothing worse than finding out you could have had a new romance with him if you’d contacted him when you had the chance.

What’s the worst that can happen? He says he has someone new already! Then you just say cheerfully, “Call me when you’re free!” and wait until you’re off the phone to bang the pillows.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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